A thousand sorrows

Rather than weigh who's worthy of your heart, 
extend it freely.
The pain of withholding love is far more damaging
 than a broken heart.

You have to love. You have to feel.

It is the reason you are here on earth.

You are here to risk your heart.

You are here to be swallowed up.

And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed,

or left, or hurt, or death brushes near,

let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples

 falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness.

 Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.”
― Louise Erdrich   

*****

Living fearlessly

 

"A warm heart is a beautiful invitation"
 

If you've been hurt in the past,

you may have a protective barrier...

that keeps others from getting too close.

But don't let past experiences discourage you.

Better to sew up your old wounds...

 than dance with old ghosts. 

Learn to be resilient; heartache is part of life.

Give up fear! Cross the threshold to courage.

Open your arms as wide as you can. 

Love, love, love the world...

 and the world will surely love you back.

*****

 

The journey of becoming

 

When you're ready for transformation,
open your arms wide to every experience...
 that shows up to assist you.
 

Sometimes you may feel a void, an emptiness,

a fear of the unknown, an ache for certainty.

Breathe confidence into the fear. 

You may feel a longing to just scream...

from a place that embodies a stifled memory.

Scream as loud as your pain.

 

There are also hallways, in-between places...

where you may want to give up on the process.

But always run towards the darkness.

 

“There is a candle in your heart, ready to be kindled.
There is a void in your soul, ready to be filled.
You feel it, don't you?”   -Rumi

 

Feeling a connection

 

There are many kinds of love.

Some sweet; romantic love, generous love,

friendship love, puppy love, maternal love,

soul-mate love, self-love...

Some not: selfish love, conditional love,

 superficial love, empty love, possessive love...

 

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit,

and that's what everyone wants.

But a true soul mate is a mirror,

the person who shows you everything

that is holding you back...

A true soul mate is probably the most important person

you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls

and smack you awake...

 

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up,

 tear apart your ego a little bit,

show you your obstacles...

break your heart open so new light can get in...”  

 

― Elizabeth Gilbert,      



Giving to others



It's imperative to lead with our hearts...

in whatever way we contribute to the world.

This translates into healing old wounds.

Unfinished hurts = a broken heart.

Without resolution, there is no balance.

You either will give too much or too little.

 

"Power without love is reckless and abusive,

and love without power is sentimental and anemic".

Martin Luther King Jr.

 

*****

 

Cultivating genuine relationships

What are the ingredients to a lasting relationship? 
Is your heart open? How well do you love others?
You need self-esteem. Unworthiness is a saboteur.

When it comes to relationships, I've had some lessons in the past where there's been fingers pointing at me. I in turn, spent too much energy trying to figure out what I did wrong...how I failed the other person. It has sent me spiraling more than once into a pool of self-doubt. Because I could never get a clear picture of myself, and I still believed the old messages that were carelessly handed to me as a child, I put too much stock in the opinions of others when I shouldn't have. So the most shocking thing I've come to learn about myself recently is that I already possess the most important qualities of someone who loves well: honesty, patience, kindness, loyalty, protectiveness, trustworthiness, the ability to endure any disagreements, and a forgiving nature.

I can't take credit for these qualities though. As a little girl, my grandparents, aunts, and uncles were generous with their love. At home, I felt stifled and unsafe. But with them, I felt safe and accepted. Not once can I remember them shaming, judging, or betraying me. They not only saved a frightened little girl, but they showed me by their example, what love was. They gave me a good start...a foundation. Without a doubt, they were my first heart teachers.

It seems that I've always had a blind spot in regards to myself, therefore undervaluing qualities that were more important than the ones I had been putting on the offering plate. I've spent a lifetime trying to be that perfect little girl that my parents wanted me to be. I tried too hard to be good...to be nice...to make others happy. It was a set-up for co-dependency and martyr-ism. But now a new door of truth has opened. I'm standing at the threshold....

*****
“There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends.
I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature.”
― Jane Austen

 

A bruised heart

 

Sometimes the relationship with our mothers have been complex, especially when we were young. For some, there comes a time when it's crucial to take the arduous journey inward to heal a bruised heart. I felt disconnected from my mom as a child. Though mom did her best, nurturing wasn't her strength. It wasn't until I was pregnant with my first child that our relationship started to blossom. As an adult, I felt loved by my mom. As a child, I felt abandoned. I'm sure maturity had a lot do with opening up to her. I not only learned to accept her for who she was, but I really enjoyed her company.

Even though mom and I had reached a place where we had a good relationship, there came a time when it was crucial for my well-being, to go back and explore my childhood. I will tell you that healing my mother stuff was harder than my father wounds. I had to re-connect with the little girl in me who stilled longed for comfort and safety. I had buried that need very deeply. It took some digging. Initially I felt like I was betraying her for going to therapy and talking about her, though she never knew about it. In opening up this old hurt that I unknowingly still carried throughout my life, I was able to come full circle. I found peace, compassion, forgiveness and closure.

I've find that women who still have deep mother wounds are sometimes the hardest women to connect with. When a child's heart is broken, often the child puts a shield of protection around it. It's understandable! But in adulthood, the protection becomes a wall...a barrier that keeps others from getting too close. It blocks them from the experience of love. It's very important to heal this wound. We aren't meant to live as broken children. Love is the lesson we're all here to learn.
 

*****

 

A happy ending

You're the author of your life.

 

Is your story woven with of acts of kindness, courage, and faith? Or are your pages filled with fear, self-doubt, worry, and unworthiness? Suppose you could write a brand, new script. What would you choose? Would you be the hero in your story? Would you forgive everyone for everything that's ever happened? Would you forgive yourself for your own mistakes? Would you use your power to change the heart of the world? Would you become fearless? Would you strongly stand up for what you believe in, being humble and fierce at the same time? Would unconditional love be your greatest achievement? Would you throw away the tarnished mirror of your past? Would you be a warrior for your truth? Would you be willing to let go of shallow living and youthful arrogance? Would you meet life every day with open palms- letting it hand you what it wishes?

Each moment you are writing the script with your thoughts, beliefs and actions. This may be hard to wrap your mind around. But it's true none the less. Make good choices...

 

******

 

A stillness

 

Enter the place where only you can go.
A place of vision and wisdom.
A place where you feel your heart beat.
A place of solitude and peace. 
A place where God whispers to you.
 



“We don't realize that, somewhere within us all,
there does exist a supreme self who is eternally at peace.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert

“Spirituality is not to be learned... by running away from things...
we must learn an inner solitude...
We must learn to penetrate things and find God there.”
― Meister Eckhart 

A rich kind of love



You are a beautiful, beautiful soul.

Don't give up your worth for a belief

of being less than you are.

Don't seek approval at all costs.

Love yourself richly.

 

Being you

A freed spirit is one that has released it's shallowness,

rigid beliefs, masquerades, and the opinions of others.

What remains is depth, genuineness, and beauty. 

 

Finding your way back

 

Unresolved emotional pain never goes away.  It only accumulates! Your journey is about finding your way back to the person you are beneath your wounds. A place I called home. A place where you are not only connected to yourself, but to God. When you've reached your destination, connecting with the world will be joyful and effortless.

 

There is nothing more sacred a woman's heart being broken wide open. It's her call to heal! Years of accumulated wounds harden or weaken us. Life will continue to present you with the perfect experiences to heal yourself. Don't ever see yourself as a victim. It's simply not true. Living life as a wounded soul is not your purpose. You are here to find your way back to the woman you are.

 

*****

 

Being part of the solution

It's no secret how passionate I feel when it comes to healing. I strongly believe in recovery programs such as AA and Alanon. AA is for people with a drinking problem. Alanon is for the families who have been affected by the disease of alcoholism and addiction.

You may think you've never been affected by the disease, but even if there's no one currently in your life who has a problem, there is something called the isms. It is a behavior/thinking problem that is passed from generation to generation. Ex: Suppose you had a great grandfather who had a drinking problem. His disease will have greatly affected his family. Anyone who lives with alcoholism or addiction, is deeply impacted by it. It's a family disease. The whole house becomes sick. Nobody dodges the bullet. What happens then is the affected children grow up and unknowingly pass the affects to their children. 

Some of the characteristics of the isms: blaming, secretiveness, defensiveness, shame, feeling disconnected, restlessness, anxiety, underlying fear, over-reacting to situations, people-pleasing, caretaking, guilt, inadequacy, and depression. 

There is also a wonderful program for children called Alateen. In offering children recovery, they may not have to grow with the affects of the disease. Our children and grandchildren hold the key to the future. But has to begins with you. The first step to wellness is honesty. Have you been affected by the disease? And are willing to do something about it?



Who said Humpty can't be put back together again?

In the world of pretend

I'm a beautiful child of God

Do you ever wonder how many people you know who are silently suffering right now? People that pretend they're okay or at least attempt to. I'm pretty certain there are many unhappy people around you. You may be one of them. Why does one suffer rather than reach for help? Pride, shame, fear, embarrassment. Who wants to admit their broken-ness? Who wants the world to see their pain? Perhaps society has made pain and broken-ness a sign of weakness. It's not though. It takes a strong, determined person to sign up for self-improvement.

 

It was about the time I started junior high school when I first noticed how awful I felt about myself. But I learned I could hide my suffering if I wore a smile. For almost 40 years, no one ever knew the truth! I just kept smiling and pretending.

 

There were times when I felt so desperate to end the pain that I comforted myself with thoughts of suicide. In the years prior to doing my work, I feel like I lived with a black cloud over my head. Not that there weren't wonderful times. There were many! But I always seemed to end up back in the hopelessness. I tried countless ways to find relief. None of which were successful and some which caused more harm.

Today I can see how the crack in my foundation (my sense of worth) and the feelings of hopelessness started in my very early years. Because there were no resources for resolution, I learned to live with it until the day I couldn't pretend anymore. Pain had humbled me to my knees. I had to start telling the truth!

Indications of unhealed pain are overeating, spending, gambling, feelings of shame, busyness, rigidness, pleasure seeking, aggressiveness, being a wallflower, an addiction to instant gratification, working all the time, over-medicating, drinking, depression, perfectionism, a general sense of unhappiness, unable to be still or alone, overachieving, feelings of hopelessness, overwhelming sadness, distracting yourself with other people's stories.

Let's not accept the world as it is. We all need to take part in finding solutions. We need to help ourselves, and then help others. We begin to heal the moment we get more honest. There is a sense of relief - a freedom that comes when we tell ourselves the truth.

*****

“For the wise have always known that no one can make much of his life until self-searching has become a regular habit, until he is able to admit and accept what he finds, and until he patiently and persistently tries to correct what is wrong. – Bill W.”   

A reality check

How do your insides feel?

Sometimes when I hear parents brag about their children's grades or accomplishments, I'm reminded that I too, was once a bragger until life slapped me with some hard truths. I learned that my low self-esteem was riding on the coat-tails of my children. My first reality check was when my daughter began experimenting with drugs.

Then came another wake-up call from life. I had hoped my daughter's achievements; good grades, popularity, and goals for her future, meant she was exempt from harm. Wrong!!! Not only did I see how my unworthiness affected her self-esteem (I tried to make up for what I lacked by giving her too much), I also saw how she strived to be perfect in an attempt to please everyone. Other than myself, I'm not sure she showed anyone her pain (children learn to wear masks just like adults), but she began to act her pain out. My daughter sought ways to medicate her insecurities. One was to become an over-achiever. The other was to be the life of the party.

Don't think that you can measure a child success by what they accomplish. If you want to teach your children something valuable, then teach them how to love and accept themselves. But please understand that if you don't love and accept who you are, you probably won't be able to do it effectively. We can't give away what we don't have. And over-compensating can be damaging too!
 

*****
“Consider the fact that maybe…just maybe…beauty and worth aren’t found in a makeup bottle, or a salon-fresh hairstyle, or a fabulous outfit. Maybe our sparkle comes from somewhere deeper inside, somewhere so pure and authentic and REAL, it doesn’t need gloss or polish or glitter to shine.”   ― Mandy Hale 

 

Getting stronger

On top of the world



Besides shame, another thing that can be debilitating is fear. Ever wonder how many decisions you make in a day based on fear? It happens more than you think! Are there certain areas of your life in which you are stuck...not moving forward...can't make a decision...too afraid to take risks...living too small....settling for less?

 

If you give into fear, it's like feeding a hungry lion. There will be no end to it. It will just take more and more from you. I still experience fear, I'm not afraid of being afraid. When I notice the lion (fear), I refuse to give it food. I've learned to breathe and push myself forward. I took the power away from fear. It's certainly robbed me of so much in the past, but it doesn't get to have my future. Nor should it have yours.


******

“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.”
― Nelson Mandela 

 

A beautiful life

In owning my story, it no longer owns me. 
I refuse to be defined or diminished by my past.

 

Do you show the world your best parts and hide the messy ones?  Do you tend to position yourself so you'll look good to others? Is it because you don't like who you are? There's a solution! Often low self-worth is due to unresolved shame.

I know I write a lot about shame, but I've learned from doing my own shame work and helping many women over the years do theirs, that it literally transforms your life. It can be a bit intimidating at first, but once you push past it, it's as beautiful as a bud blossoming into a rose. Take a risk! Hope is around the corner...


You are so beautiful to me

Improving self-esteem



You are my sunshine
You make me happy when skies are grey

 



I challenge anyone who is trying to avoid the shame pool, to dive in head first. What is shame? Shame is the voice that threatens our very right to feel good about our existence.

 

What are some of the symptoms of shame? Prideful-ness, low self-esteem, arrogance, hypersensitivity, insensitive to others, self-centeredness, belittling oneself, boastful, guilt ridden, issues with perfectionism, approval seeking, self-reliant, difficult to trust others, jealousy, superiority, rigid thinking, avoidance of feelings, fear of making mistakes...

 

Shame is not something we can afford to ignore. Not only do we carry it, but as hard we try not to, we will pass it to our children. My parents carried shame. As a little girl, I began to absorb it before I even understood what it was. It took 40+ years of feeling bad about myself to realize that the seed of shame planted in early childhood, affected every thought and decision I ever made. 

Don't settle for living in the problem. There is a solution. Create something better for your future and for your children.
 

****

 

Following your heart

 

Don't regret your past. Trust that it's all part of some divine plan.

I know that all my experiences have helped bring me closer to a dream I've had since I was a little girl. In a quest to achieve my vision, I've had to fall many times down the rabbit hole...abuse, addiction, loss, co-dependency, illness. Some of my struggles were self-inflicted, some were not. Though one might say my story has been one of tragedy and sorrow, I disagree. I'm certain that everything has been part of a mysterious plan to help me find my way back to who I am...to meet the person who has always existed beneath the wounds.

I've learned that my dreams can only be as big as my sense of worthiness. I had a lot of work to do in that area. I also needed lessons of the heart which would teach me about compassion, empathy, and unconditional love. The loss of daughter was my hardest lesson and my biggest gift. It broke me wide open...

My daughter, Jody

 

There once was a little girl who didn't believe in herself, but she had a dream... I am closer to home now. I feel myself being pulled towards actualized dreams and infinite possibilities.

My hope is for all your dreams come true too...

*****

 

Nobody will protect you from your suffering. 
 You can't cry it away or eat it away or starve it away or walk it away... 
 It's just there, and you have to survive it. You have to endure it. 
 You have to live through it and love it and move on
and be better for it and run as far as you can in the direction
of your best and happiest dreams across the bridge that was built
by your own desire to heal.”
― Cheryl Strayed

 

Healing at the core

 

Recently, after hearing the cry of a mother's pain when her young child threatened to kill himself, woke something deep inside me. I refuse to be God's silent helper anymore. Any fear about expressing myself has been pushed into the background.
 

So here's some truth for today. If you have a crack in your foundation (which you probably do), your children will have one too. Hard as we may try to do better than our parents, we will fail. Wounded parents pay it forward to their children. When you are broken and bleeding from the inside, know that the blood flows into every crevice in your life externally too. There's no exception to this rule unless you've done a lot of hard work on yourself. You can make the choice to heal your hurts, or continue to deny or ignore them and pass it on just as your parents passed them to you.

 

*****
“Pain is a pesky part of being human... But then I have also learned that because of pain, I can feel the beauty, tenderness, and freedom of healing. Pain feels like a fast stab wound to the heart. But then healing feels like the wind against your face when you are spreading your wings and flying through the air...”
― C. Joybell 

 

Performing soul surgery

 It would be hard to miss how much tragedy is going on around us, but don't be too quick to point the finger. We've all contributed to the state of things. What the world needs most is soul surgery. That means each of us have a responsibility to heal our wounds. A wounded soul has wounded thinking and makes wounded choices.

Sadly, we live in a time where gratification is the solution for our pain. If you avoid this truth, you will teach your children to be dishonest with themselves too. When did more toys, electronics, and trips to Disney World become the solution for a child's well-being?

If you lie to yourself about yourself, then you not only live in the problem, but it harms the world. When you heal your life, you then, will have made a huge contribution.

*****

 

Letting go of pretenses

Just being yourself will attract meaningful, lasting relationships.
You can count on authenticity to sweep out the illusionary ones. 
If a person expects you to be someone other than who you are,
they are trying to fill a lack within themselves.
Don't be so desperate for approval that you relinquish your own power.

 

*****

"There is nothing more beautiful than
seeing a person being themselves”  S. Maraboli

*****
“Because true belonging only happens when we present
our authentic, imperfect selves to the world,
our sense of belonging can never be greater
than our level of self-acceptance.” Brene Brown   
 

Running on empty

If you spend your time trying to make others happy, 

just know you'll not only fail at it,

 but you'll deplete yourself of your own life energy.
You are not responsible for all the wrongs in the world.
Let things be as they are.
What may appear as someone's pain to you, 
may be their perfect lesson.
Grace doesn't always come wrapped in pretty paper.
 

*****

"Where there is ruin, 
there is hope for a treasure"
-Rumi
 



Being open

 

Change happens whether we want it or not. 
Might as well let go of resistance to it.
It'll make for a smoother ride.

 

Change is not only good, it's essential to our well-being.
You will never reach a place where you finished with change.
Life will always be waiting to hand you the next gift.

*****
This being human is a guest house
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
~Rumi

*****

 

Feeling good

 

When you start dismantling old beliefs, it can be like child birth. Painful, joyful, scary... I made a decision at the beginning of last year to trade my perfectionism in for authenticity. Since then, my life has been turned upside down, literally shaking the falseness out of it.

 

What a year it's been! I am still gritting my teeth (for real). Though I've accepted the many changes that happened, there is still some residue of fear and resistance I have to work on (that's why my jaw is tight). But I also feel the energy of something new and exciting. It's a feeling of aliveness! And I have been immersing myself in it. Do I care about what it took to get here? Nope! It's like childbirth.You soon forget the pain because the joy is far, far greater.
 

It's imperative that we tear down any dilapidated patterns of thinking or behaviors. Face it, we were all handed some pretty twisted ideals about ourselves and life, growing up. All of which can be changed. Not an easy process because it has to be experienced from a place that is deeper than you bleed. But if you are sick of feeling sick and want to make a difference in the world, then prepare to change.

 

*****
"Set your life on fire. Seek those who fan your flames"
-Rumi
 

Ready for change

 

 “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud

was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”
― Anaïs Nin

 

******

As a life coach, I often find women wait until their lives bottom out to get help. There is an easier, softer way though. When you know you are in trouble emotionally, don't try to figure it out yourself. Emotional pain is like walking around with a constant tooth ache. Some days you may feel worse than others. But you always hurts.

 

 There's no way I'd be where I'm at today if I hadn't reached out. Counseling turned my life in a direction I could have never offered to myself. I initially felt shame that I needed guidance. I thought it made me weak. That of course, was my pride and ego. The truth is that is takes an act of humility and courage to be vulnerable. It's a beautiful process that I feel blessed to be part of with women every day...

 

******

FYI- If you'd like to set up a life coaching session or have any questions,
 you can email me at oceanspirits@comcast.net

 

A year of dreams

 

Do you believe your dreams will come true? 
If you really want this to be the year they do,
 you're going to have to take your foot off the brakes.
Your desires must be greater than your fears.
Let go of control of how it will happen.
Just know that when you are completely open and ready,
a beautiful energy will pull you towards them.

****
"As you start to walk out on the  way, the way appears"
-Rumi