Monday, October 31, 2011

Loneliness

Done with acrylics and wax crayons

At the core of all addictions is loneliness. It doesn't matter what our addiction is. This includes overeating, shopping, alcohol, drugs, sex, work, relationships, being addicted to someone who is afflicted with the disease of addiction, TV, staying busy, gambling and pretty much anything else we do in an addictive manner (I'm addicted to popcorn and dark chocolate at the moment. I'm still healing from a long bout with insomina. I'm aware that I'm using food to soothe my fears at night. And the fears stem all the way back to childhood). We use our addictions in an attempt to fill an uncomfortable void that gnaws at us internally. Have you ever had that feeling? I have. Even though I've been in recovery for more than 15 years, sometimes I can still touch a deep place inside me that aches.

 Last night was one of those times. I was reading a book that aroused a surge of emotions. Sobbing, I put the book down and sat quietly, reflecting inward. Because I was willing to spend time connecting with my inner feelings, I once again touched the ache in me that comes from a little girl (me) who never felt nurtured or loved by her mother. My mom did her best, but she didn't know how to be loving. All children need to be nurtured emotionally. My needs weren't met so I spent a lot of my life trying to escape the feelings I carried. The feelings were of loneliness. I was always painfully aware that I didn't feel like I fit in anywhere. I've done a lot of work on myself in this area, but like an onion, it has many layers. Last night was time to peel another layer.

I often think about the people who are silently suffering today, carrying around the same gnawing ache I once had. Although I no longer live with that constant ache, I still remember how it feels. I now understand that my earlier experiences with having suicidal thoughts (as a teenager and sometimes even as an adult) was because I felt so alone.

We can heal from all things. It requires though, the courage to become an explorer of your own life. Too often, we are living through other people's stories without knowing our own.

FYI- My writings are a reflection of my own personal beliefs.

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My little piece of heaven

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 "I am God's beautiful creation"

1 comment:

  1. I like that thought at the very end of your post. I think many of us forget that we are all God's beautiful creations

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