Running from loneliness

 

One of the feelings I tried hard to cover up as a young teenager was loneliness. Being alone brought up a deep sense of shame...feelings of unworthiness. In my teenager's mind, it made me feel like a loser.

My first year of Junior High was hard. I had a bully situation that made me more afraid than I already was, to be in school. The next year my family moved to Florida and I had to start over again; new school, new friends... Then they moved again in my senior year. Being shy made it even more difficult to reach out. I also had shame about being shy, so I tried to hide not only my loneliness, but my shyness. And I still hadn't healed from being bullied the year before.

 

In later years, the feelings continued to haunt me. I hid them from myself by denying them.

No matter how full my life became with my career, marriage, having children, good friends and family, I felt alone. My wounds plagued me throughout my life, but I refused to acknowledge them. I kept myself busy instead.

There came a time though, when things changed very drastically for me. My daughter died, my brother died, my husband died, my mom died. Before that, I had lost my grandparents and my dad. I also became sick (FMS) around that time too. I was forced to give up a job I loved...one that kept me extremely busy.  

 

You might say that life forced me to be get more honest and heal my past, through crisis. Loss uncovered the things I was running from...shame, loneliness, old hurts... it stripped away the denial.

It has been a process. Not an easy one! But one that has taught me many helpful lessons...

One of them is this: grief and illness don't have to diminish your life, but running from yourself will. 
 

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"Whatever feelings we don't own,

owns us"

 

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Healing loneliness

Picture yourself as a woman

 

who doesn't fill her life with busyness

 

as a way to avoid feelings of loneliness.

 

She slows down. 

 

She learns to comfort the frightened little girl in her. 

 

By building a more solid connection with herself,

 

she begins to feels a deeper sense of belonging.

 

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Someone taking an afternoon nap at the park...

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“When I get lonely these days, I think: So BE lonely, Liz. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person's body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings.” 
 
― Elizabeth Gilbert

 

She walked a mystical path

 

Even though she felt alone at times,

she came to appreciate the solitude.

Being alone was not the same

as being lonely.

With God as her companion,

she felt safe and peaceful.

 

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I had fun creating these.

 

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The search for happiness

“We search for happiness everywhere, but we are like Tolstoy's fabled beggar who spent his life sitting on a pot of gold, under him the whole time. Your treasure--your perfection--is within you already. But to claim it, you must leave the busy commotion of the mind and abandon the desires of the ego and enter into the silence of the heart.”

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“When I get lonely these days, I think: So BE lonely... Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person's body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings.”

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Quotes by Elizabeth Gilbert from the book "Eat, Love, Pray".

“This is a good sign,

having a broken heart.

It means we have tried

for something.”

E. Gilbert

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"Happiness comes from within "

Suffering in silence

                                                                          Love pink!!!!

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Off and on for years, I suffered quietly... I suffered from low self-esteem, loneliness, hopelessness...  I put on a false mask of happiness...ashamed to show others I was hurting.

 I know I'm not the only one...

I believe there are more people suffering in silence than not. If you're one of those people, talk to someone about it...don't suffer alone...sharing will help you.

We all need a comforting shoulder to lean on sometimes...being too self-sufficient only isolates you...keeps you stuck. You may tell yourself that others don't care...but they do.

For me, it was shame that held me back so many years from talking about my feelings. I was taught as child to keep my feelings to myself...no one wanted to hear them...just to suck it up. That message was damaging. It's not the way I do things anymore...sharing my pain is therapeutic...necessary for my well-being...and yours too.

Reach out...let someone help you...sometimes the hardest thing we have to do is also the right thing we have to do...find the courage...practice good self-care...put an end to suffering in silence.

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 I've been doing more reading than creating art, but here's a new one.

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There is no agony like
bearing an untold story inside of you.

Maya Angelou 

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"It is safe to put my trust in others"

Loneliness

Done with acrylics and wax crayons

At the core of all addictions is loneliness. It doesn't matter what our addiction is. This includes overeating, shopping, alcohol, drugs, sex, work, relationships, being addicted to someone who is afflicted with the disease of addiction, TV, staying busy, gambling and pretty much anything else we do in an addictive manner (I'm addicted to popcorn and dark chocolate at the moment. I'm still healing from a long bout with insomina. I'm aware that I'm using food to soothe my fears at night. And the fears stem all the way back to childhood). We use our addictions in an attempt to fill an uncomfortable void that gnaws at us internally. Have you ever had that feeling? I have. Even though I've been in recovery for more than 15 years, sometimes I can still touch a deep place inside me that aches.

 Last night was one of those times. I was reading a book that aroused a surge of emotions. Sobbing, I put the book down and sat quietly, reflecting inward. Because I was willing to spend time connecting with my inner feelings, I once again touched the ache in me that comes from a little girl (me) who never felt nurtured or loved by her mother. My mom did her best, but she didn't know how to be loving. All children need to be nurtured emotionally. My needs weren't met so I spent a lot of my life trying to escape the feelings I carried. The feelings were of loneliness. I was always painfully aware that I didn't feel like I fit in anywhere. I've done a lot of work on myself in this area, but like an onion, it has many layers. Last night was time to peel another layer.

I often think about the people who are silently suffering today, carrying around the same gnawing ache I once had. Although I no longer live with that constant ache, I still remember how it feels. I now understand that my earlier experiences with having suicidal thoughts (as a teenager and sometimes even as an adult) was because I felt so alone.

We can heal from all things. It requires though, the courage to become an explorer of your own life. Too often, we are living through other people's stories without knowing our own.

FYI- My writings are a reflection of my own personal beliefs.

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My little piece of heaven

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 "I am God's beautiful creation"