I sat with discomfort this morning.
I could feel my body shaking inside.
I was uncomfortable.
Very uncomfortable.
I had made a decision.
Fear was no longer going to run my life.
I expected fear to fight back.
Fear has been with me for a very long time, and I know it doesn’t give up easily.
But neither do I.
What I didn’t expect was what came next.
Restlessness.
I can find something to accomplish.
Something to create.
Something to look forward to.
I’ve always been able to give myself momentum.
But today, I felt restless.
And I realized something.
Restlessness can actually feel painful too.
I think what I’m experiencing is bigger than restlessness.
I’m used to being motivated by doing.
Doing something gives me somewhere to go.
A craft gives me something to focus on.
A trip to the grocery store gives me a destination.
For most of my life, there has been something to do.
Something to fix.
Someone to help.
Something to accomplish.
And now I feel like I’ve landed somewhere I’ve never been before.
And I don’t like how it feels.
Maybe that’s because I’ve spent so much of my life knowing how to fill the space.
I know how to distract myself.
I know how to help someone else.
I know how to solve a problem.
But what do I do with space?
What do I do with uncertainty?
What do I do when there isn’t something that needs to be fixed right this minute?
I don’t know.
And I think that’s the part that is so uncomfortable.
