Getting My Will Out of the Way

 In order to release the deep wounds of childhood

and the conditioning that was spoon-fed to us from a very young age,

we have to surrender it.

We have to get our will out of the way.

And that isn’t easy for me.

So I asked myself:

How do I surrender when I’m afraid of physical pain?

Because that’s exactly what I want to release.

The fear.

The fear that began long ago with threats and punishment.

The fear of not feeling safe.

Today, that old fear can attach itself to my body.

And I can feel myself wanting to control it.

To protect myself from what might come next.

But perhaps surrender means something different.

Maybe it means saying,

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring.

I don’t know what my body will feel.

And I don’t have to know.

I can surrender the fear.

Not perfectly.

Maybe a hundred times a day.

And if that’s what it takes,

then that’s what I’ll do.

Every time fear rises,

I can surrender it again.

Every time my mind tries to take control,

I can let go again.

Every time my little girl becomes afraid,

I can remind her:

We don’t have to live in the past anymore.

This isn’t about forcing the fear to disappear.

It’s about no longer allowing it to lead me.

I’ve spent enough of my life carrying what happened yesterday into today.

It’s time to loosen my grip.

It’s time to let go of the past.

And perhaps surrender is how I finally begin.