A Place I’ve Never Been Before

 I sat with discomfort this morning.

I could feel my body shaking inside.

I was uncomfortable.

Very uncomfortable.

I had made a decision.

Fear was no longer going to run my life.

I expected fear to fight back.

Fear has been with me for a very long time, and I know it doesn’t give up easily.

But neither do I.

What I didn’t expect was what came next.

Restlessness.

I can find something to accomplish.

Something to create.

Something to look forward to.

I’ve always been able to give myself momentum.

But today, I felt restless.

And I realized something.

Restlessness can actually feel painful too. 

I think what I’m experiencing is bigger than restlessness.

I’m used to being motivated by doing.

Doing something gives me somewhere to go.

A craft gives me something to focus on.

A trip to the grocery store gives me a destination.

For most of my life, there has been something to do.

Something to fix.

Someone to help.

Something to accomplish.

And now I feel like I’ve landed somewhere I’ve never been before.

And I don’t like how it feels.

Maybe that’s because I’ve spent so much of my life knowing how to fill the space.

I know how to distract myself.

I know how to help someone else.

I know how to solve a problem.

But what do I do with space?

What do I do with uncertainty?

What do I do when there isn’t something that needs to be fixed right this minute?

I don’t know.

And I think that’s the part that is so uncomfortable.