Living in Uncertainty

 Uncertainty means letting go of control.

Control has been one of the ways I’ve tried to create safety my entire life. As a little girl, I learned to anticipate, watch, be careful, and figure out what others needed so I could avoid upsetting them.

As an adult, control took different forms. I helped people. I worked. I created. I searched for answers and tried to solve problems. When my body became painful, I searched for answers there too.

What is happening?

What can I do?

What should I try next?

There was always something to figure out.

So perhaps this new place feels so uncomfortable because I can’t control my way through it. I don’t know what comes next, and I don’t like not knowing.

But maybe I don’t have to fix the uncertainty. Maybe I can simply experience it.

I can feel restless without needing to escape the restlessness. I can feel uncertain without deciding something is wrong. I can be uncomfortable and still be safe.

That is a very different lesson for me.

I also don’t want to confuse surrender with giving up the things I love. I still want to create, teach, travel, and live. But perhaps there is a difference between doing something because I genuinely want to and doing something because I need to escape an uncomfortable feeling.

That distinction feels important.

Maybe I can choose.

Not react.

Not escape.

Not control.

Choose.

Perhaps that is what freedom will eventually feel like—not a life without discomfort or fear, but a life where those things don’t make my decisions for me.

Tonight, I’m still restless. I’m still uncomfortable. But maybe I don’t have to like this place yet. Maybe I simply need to get acquainted with it.

Maybe there is a space between fear and freedom—a place where I don’t have to know what comes next or rush to fill the silence.

A place where I can simply be.

Perhaps this is another kind of surrender.

Not surrendering because I’ve run out of answers, but because I no longer need to have all the answers.

I can sit.

I can breathe.

I can feel.

I can wait.

And maybe, slowly, I’ll discover that this strange place I’ve landed isn’t somewhere I need to escape.

Maybe it’s simply somewhere I’ve never learned to be.

And maybe…