Monday, March 25, 2013

On the wings of faith

No matter what position I try this morning, I can't get comfortable. Having FMS is challenging...the achiness...the tight, inflamed muscles. And to top it off, my physical body is matching my insides because I feel out of sorts emotionally too. 
I knew when I stepped out of my comfort zone a couple of months ago to take some new risks, that it would challenge me. It has turned out to be far more difficult than I expected. This morning I asked myself the question "is all this it worth giving up the peace you had before all this?".
I'm not sure I like the answer to my question because the answer is "yes".
As a result of taking these new risks, I'm getting to meet parts of myself that I wasn't aware were that are that are robbing my confidence at the moment. I feel like one of those Christmas globes that you shake and all the glittery stuff flies everywhere. Then you watch  everything settle to the bottom. My world has been shaken up and all the glittery (and not so glittery) pieces of myself are flying everywhere.
Some not-so-healthy part of me wants to stop all this and snuggle back up with my warm blanket of tranquility and pretend I don't know what I know. I think it's called denial. But denial isn't a good option anymore. Tried that one for many years and all it did was keep me stuck until the pain got so great that I gave it up.
I can see all my scattered glitter...nothing is settling to the bottom more work to do on myself...but it's only temporary...just breathe, Deb.
There is nowhere to go.
What you are looking for is right here.
Open the fist clenched in wanting...
and see what you already hold in your hand.
"I use faith as a warm, comforting blanket"