Tuesday, August 27, 2013

More honesty

So here's more honesty- it was extremely hard to write and post my blog on Sunday. The process took 6 grueling hours...writing, rewriting, crying, pushing myself through fear, discovering a new strength... It was like giving birth; painfully hard, joyfully good and the million other feelings in-between.
The biggest gift in this is freedom of expression. I didn't know I was living in my own self-imposed prison- a prisoner to what I feared others would think of me. Not because I did something wrong. I've pretty much laid out my character defects for the world to see by being honest about my past mistakes. I was more afraid of being judged for things that were good in my life. It doesn't make sense until you see there is unworthiness behind it. Unworthiness either pumps you up TOO BIG or keeps you small.

My next challenge is not to step back into the prison. It's a familiar place- a place other people-pleasers can relate to- being hostage to others approval. Co-dependency is a painful affliction that I have worked on for years and yet, it still rears it's ugly head. But for today, I am just going to savor the victory. Tomorrow will take care of itself.

Codependents are reactionaries.
They overreact.
They under-react.
But rarely do they act...

― Melody Beattie