Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Doing my own shame work

Hidden behind pride is shame. Some of the things I used to pride myself on was; my material things, my good health, my husband, my children, my home, my job, my good fortune, being financially secure, being strong, being self-reliant. 
About sixteen years ago, life took a drastic turn. My 23 year marriage crumbled. In the midst of our divorce, my husband died suddenly from a brain aneurysm. I was no longer a wife or even an ex-wife.
Though I had been diagnosed with FMS years before, it wasn't until the stress of my life got so out of control that I became very ill and was forced to quit my job. Any pride I had about being healthy and financially secure, was knocked out of me.
My daughter, who once was an honor-roll student, became addicted to pain meds. Once again, my pride bubble got busted and shame showed up behind it. I felt like the world witnessed all my short-comings as a parent. When my daughter died from an over-dose, I couldn't play the pride game of being strong and self-reliant. I lost all sense of grounded-ness. There were days when the grief was so overwhelming that I couldn't even manage driving or dressing myself. And not only was I left with a gapping hole in my heart, but whatever pride I took in being her mom, was shattered.
Following that, I became so sick that  I couldn't physically manage caring for a house anymore. So I sold my home and gave away most of my material things. More pride being stripped away.
Circumstances forced me to do my shame work. Up to that point, I pretty much hated myself and never felt like I fit in, but I hid the truth from everyone. Shame had a strong hold on me, but obviously life had another plan for me.
I would love to say that my shame work is done but no such luck. About six months ago, a situation happened that uncovered more shame. Even though I'm still in the process of cleaning it out, I feel stronger and more confident then I've ever have before. 
Every time I heal a little more shame, I get to meet more of the woman I really am - my flawed perfect self. All is well!!!