Monday, April 1, 2013

Stepping out of denial

I've used denial many times. It has a been a defense, a survival device, a coping behavior, and at times, almost my undoing. It has been both a friend and an enemy.

When I was child, I used denial to protect myself... I protected myself from seeing things too painful to see and feelings too overwhelming to feel...

The negative aspect of using denial was that I lost touch with myself and my feelings. I became able to participate in harmful situations without even knowing I was hurting. I was able to tolerate a great deal of pain and abuse without the foggiest idea it was abnormal.

I learned to participate in my own abuse.

Denial protected me from pain, but also rendered me blind to my feelings, my needs, and myself. It was like a thick blanket that smothered me.

Melody Beattie- Language of Letting Go

“I felt I was drawing close to that age, that place in life, where you realize one day what you'd told yourself was a Zen detachment turns out to be naked fear. You'd had one serious love relationship in your life and it had ended in tragedy, and the tragedy had broken something inside you. But instead of trying to repair the broken place, or at least really stop and look at it, you skated and joked. You had friends, you were a decent citizen. You hurt no one. And your life was somehow just about half of what it could be.” 
― Roland Merullo


"I no longer need to hide from truth"