Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Running from loneliness

 

One of the feelings I tried hard to cover up as a young teenager was loneliness. Being alone brought up a deep sense of shame...feelings of unworthiness. In my teenager's mind, it made me feel like a loser.

My first year of Junior High was hard. I had a bully situation that made me more afraid than I already was, to be in school. The next year my family moved to Florida and I had to start over again; new school, new friends... Then they moved again in my senior year. Being shy made it even more difficult to reach out. I also had shame about being shy, so I tried to hide not only my loneliness, but my shyness. And I still hadn't healed from being bullied the year before.
 
In later years, the feelings continued to haunt me. I hid them from myself by denying them.

No matter how full my life became with my career, marriage, having children, good friends and family, I felt alone. My wounds plagued me throughout my life, but I refused to acknowledge them. I kept myself busy instead.

There came a time though, when things changed very drastically for me. My daughter died, my brother died, my husband died, my mom died. Before that, I had lost my grandparents and my dad. I also became sick (FMS) around that time too. I was forced to give up a job I loved...one that kept me extremely busy.  
 
You might say that life forced me to be get more honest and heal my past, through crisis. Loss uncovered the things I was running from...shame, loneliness, old hurts... it stripped away the denial.

It has been a process. Not an easy one! But one that has taught me many helpful lessons...

One of them is this: grief and illness don't have to diminish your life, but running from yourself will. 
 
*****

 
"Whatever feelings we don't own,
owns us"
 
*****

2 comments:

  1. oh boy...guess when i read what you wrote and i get choked up, it must be for me! these last 2 days read like my life story..incredible how we all have these common bonds and when you put the light on, it begins the healing and diminishes the denial...and oh that denial! runs pretty deep i tell ya! so deep, in fact, i didn't even know i was in denial! so now my eyes (and heart) are open and i don't want to close them anymore....so thank you!

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  2. Thank you for your courage to be real!!!

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