Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Running from loneliness


One of the feelings I tried hard to cover up as a young teenager was loneliness. Being alone brought up a deep sense of shame...feelings of unworthiness. In my teenager's mind, it made me feel like a loser.

My first year of Junior High was hard. I had a bully situation that made me more afraid than I already was, to be in school. The next year my family moved to Florida and I had to start over again; new school, new friends... Then they moved again in my senior year. Being shy made it even more difficult to reach out. I also had shame about being shy, so I tried to hide not only my loneliness, but my shyness. And I still hadn't healed from being bullied the year before.
In later years, the feelings continued to haunt me. I hid them from myself by denying them.

No matter how full my life became with my career, marriage, having children, good friends and family, I felt alone. My wounds plagued me throughout my life, but I refused to acknowledge them. I kept myself busy instead.

There came a time though, when things changed very drastically for me. My daughter died, my brother died, my husband died, my mom died. Before that, I had lost my grandparents and my dad. I also became sick (FMS) around that time too. I was forced to give up a job I that kept me extremely busy.  
You might say that life forced me to be get more honest and heal my past, through crisis. Loss uncovered the things I was running from...shame, loneliness, old hurts... it stripped away the denial.

It has been a process. Not an easy one! But one that has taught me many helpful lessons...

One of them is this: grief and illness don't have to diminish your life, but running from yourself will. 

"Whatever feelings we don't own,
owns us"