Sunday, August 25, 2013

Being more real

 Jack and I
It's with a tentative heart that I want to share some things about myself that I have hidden away for half of my adult life. The reason for my long silence has been fear. But the burden of carrying these truths have become heavier than fear of telling them.
Eighteen years ago I had a miracle happen to experience that I didn't understand until years after Eckhart Tolle wrote his book "The Power of Now". In his book he shared that in the depths of a depressed state, his ego mind disappeared, allowing him to live in a state of bliss and he continues to do so today.
I had a very similar experience like Eckhart Tolle described. It was on a day that the pain of my life was so great I was contemplating suicide. I was feeling empty, alone and defeated. I cried out to God in a way I never had before. I said "you have to do something because I have nothing left in me". I remember going to bed and waking to feeling a lightness that I never felt before. A lightness where there was no pain, no worry, only pure joy. It was like heaven on earth. I carried this feeling in me for several weeks. I tried to explain it to my (ex) husband, but he thought I had flipped my cork and didn't take me serious. I gave up talking about it because I didn't know what else to do with it.
But it was a big turning point for me. It was the first time I knew for certain there was a God. Not a God I tried to understand with my mind, but a God I let into my heart.. I began to see His grace at work... After a time, the bliss began to fade and eventually I returned again to the pain I had been living in. I grieved for months afterwards because I now knew there was something so perfect and beautiful, but it had moved out my reach...

I made a promise to myself and God that I would do whatever it took to return there. Thus began my whole-hearted commitment to recovery. I started to deeply care about transforming my life.
The second time I had a spiritual experience was right after my daughter died. Pain again was the catalyst that took me to the darkest place I had ever been. I literally crumpled to the bathroom floor, willing myself to die. As I was in the depths of deep grief, I began to have an out of body experience. I watched myself on the bathroom floor grieving day after day like I was watching a movie. I heard a voice within me for the first time...a voice that that reassured me I was going to be okay. I witnessed many blessings in the midst of the darkness. One of the biggest was learning to trust the wisdom of the voice I had discovered. Today, the voice is my companion, my guide...
After a few weeks, things again began to fade. This time I was not only grieving the loss of the spiritual experience, but I was in the throes of grief for my beloved daughter. My heart shattered into a million pieces, but I held unto the promise of hope like a drowning person holding a life rope.
The third time I experienced a state of nirvana was a couple years ago when I ended up in the hospital for a week. The fear of being hospitalized was so great that it took me to the darkness again, and again I emerged into the lightness...the bliss. After that, every experience I had in the hospital felt loving even though the hospital made so many screw-ups including misdiagnosing me. I didn't care!!! I would lie in the hospital feeling the deepest peace and contentment that you can ever imagine. Crazy as it sounds, I didn't even care about being released. I remember telling the nurse that my hospital bed was the most comfortable bed I had ever slept in. I'm certain it wasn't but in a state of pure acceptance, it felt that way. Weeks later, the bliss began to fade again. I sobbed tears of grief for months...I also got really angry with God. I felt He had given me such a beautiful gift , then snatched it away. It almost felt unbearable to return to a world that felt chaotic, busy, noisy... Eventually, I adjusted back to the old way of life again.

One of the biggest gifts that came of the last experience was the realization that I was living in world that was so out of balance...a world where people kept their lives busy so they wouldn't have time to examine themselves. And this included me. I began to slow down. To look deeper at my own flawed life...
So why have I been so quiet about my miracles? Some people have dedicated their whole life to achieving enlightenment. I get glimpses of it, yet keep it to myself. I have also been silent about my psychic abilities that showed up around the same time as the other miracles. I call it a "knowing". The knowing guides me when I do work with those who seek healing in my life coaching practice. I have the ability to look into people lives like a piece of glass, seeing things they don't see, things that block them from happiness. I have freely shared this gift over the years, but never called myself "psychic". Bottom line, I feared being judged. That's because I used to be one of those people who judged others who claimed to be psychic. The word "psychic" invoked an icky image in my mind. I have softened my judgment, but it's still hard to use that term.
So here's more truth- one of the biggest reasons I have been so quiet about everything. There is still a voice in me that belongs to my mother. A voice that says "who do you think you are to have these gifts?" This voice has plagued me my whole life. I learned early on to diminish myself in order to feel accepted. It has taken me almost a lifetime to come to the understanding that my mom was insecure and jealous of many things, including me. I still don't like that I know this about her (mom died a few years ago). I can see why I chose denial for so long. But I finally decided to be fair to me by being honest about what happened in the past. Mom would pull the rug from under me anytime I felt too good about myself. I would lose my footing. It robbed me of building confidence in myself. I later, began treating myself that way too.
The reason I can longer carry the burden of silence is that I need to take a stronger stand to be more real about who I am and where I'm at. It's still hard to talk about my mom without feeling guilty that I'm betraying her. But this really isn't about her, it's about me. Truthfully, I loved my mom a lot and after a lot of work on forgiveness, I am grateful for all that she taught me. What she taught me brought me here. And here is good. However, this morning I am breaking the old agreement we had. No more more being more beliefs about being less than.

 I also am letting go of any attachment to what others believe or don't believe about me. I'm certain there are many who will never understand what I am even talking about and those who may judge. People can allow me to use my gifts to create change in their lives or not. For today I am surrendering all my concerns, claiming more freedom for myself.
 The valuable lessons and wisdom I've gathered over the years is meant to be shared out loud. God gives us all gifts. Today I am taking more ownership of mine.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do..."