New discoveries

The Biltmore - North Carolina

Quit playing it safe! Life will take care of you. 
Step over the edge of your comfort zone. 
Take risks! Open your mind to all possibilities. 
Regardless of what you do, give your whole heart to it. 
Bring your wonder child along for the adventure...

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A new path

There have many forks in the road on this journey - times when I've had an opportunity to make a different choice then the one I made in the past. Though it's never easy to change something you've done all your life, it unfailingly gifts me each time..

Right now I'm at another fork in the road... 

  I can be true to myself or continue to make decisions based on what makes others happy...

 I walked a tightrope as a child, living under the constant threat of punishment. I attempted to create some sense of safety in an abusive home by learning to please my parents. It was deeply damaging. I gave up my identity, my truth, and my soul. Today I am taking it all back...

This new path is free of fear and co-dependent behaviors...

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Fear of intimacy

To build intimacy in a relationship, you have to be authentic. This can be challenging if you're not comfortable with who you are. You may fear rejection. But in order to connect with others, you have to be genuine, vulnerable, honest, and open hearted...

Too often relationships are formed by people-pleasing. Co-dependency is the disease to please. It's rooted in unworthiness. The cure is to push through fear, learn how to love yourself, and share your heart with others..

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Getting grounded

We can either listen to our gut and align ourselves with truth, or we can put our trust in our conditioned minds and make choices based on the experiences of our past and the beliefs we're taught (which are generally fear-based and sometimes self-sabatoging). Following our gut is the perfect path. Taking direction from the mind will have us swinging from limb to limb...

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Beautiful possibilities

A homeless man taking an afternoon nap in the park...

We lie to ourselves because...
we're afraid truth will mean change...
and change will mean loss...
and loss will mean loneliness...
and loneliness will mean pain.

Pain is a feeling we try to avoid...
so we give our power to fear...
and live in a box called "prison".

Perhaps the real journey begins...
 when we free ourselves...
 of fear, pain, and loneliness..
by facing and healing our...
 deeply-seeded abandonment issues. 

And imagine that on the flip side of fear...
is a life more beautiful than...
 we've could have ever dreamt possible.

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Self-honesty

1. There are things in life that we know to be true.
2. There are things we feel uncertain about.
3. There are things we pretend are true, but aren't. 

1. Truth is the healthy tree that breathes new life.
2. Uncertainty is the tree trying to grow stronger roots.
3. Wishful thinking is a dead log that keeps us stuck...

Embracing change

There are some big changes taking place in my life at the moment. They're the kind of changes that are sometimes confusing and frightening for me and probably others too, yet I know they are right...

Since I was young, I have been a rescuer. I felt scared, alone, and shy as a child. Looking back, I know the way I coped with my pain was to hide it, and focus on others. I was always the first one to reach out if someone was hurting. Trying to fix other people's pain was how I unknowingly and unsuccessfully tried to fix my own. Making people feel good became a big part of my identity...what made me feel good about me...

 I stopped fixing people (with the help of Alanon) some time ago, but the challenge I'm facing now is that there is still a young girl in me who is clinging to her old identity/her source of her worthiness... 

I have to keep working at prying fear's grip on me so I will stay true to myself...

The truth I've discovered is that I just want to teach. Making others happy is not the right fit anymore. Though I am frightened by this change, I know deep in my soul, it's healthy and good. What I feel passionate for, has nothing to do with my identity. It's a pure desire to teach something that I believe in with all my heart... the healing work... the work that turned my life into a miracle...

So I'm moving forward...

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Growing our wings

Sometimes believing in yourself and the dreams you hold close to your heart, require you to pull every bit of strength you can from within. There will be times when you feel discouraged and think about giving up. It's important during those times to look at the alternative. Giving up means sliding back to where you were before. How would that feel? Hopefully horrible! Therefore, just continue to move forward. Remember that you must build your wings so strong that they can take you anywhere you want to go. You are in the process of doing that...

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In the flow of things

It takes a great commitment to find one's true self. Last June I had a spiritual experience. In that experience, I met the person that I had the potential to be if I didn't make choices based on fear. In that beautiful experience I felt only joy, confidence, and excitement. I made some big decisions during that time because I had no fear of taking risks. It was amazing! After the experience, I saw there was a huge contrast between my authentic self and the fearful self. I've spent this past year working to align myself with the woman I met in the Vortex (the spiritual experience)...

Without a doubt, fear has had a clever grip on me all my life. I became who I thought people would accept. I put unrealistic expectations on myself so it forced me to become someone I wasn't. Initially, after the Vortex, I fell into a pool of shame. It took months to clean it out. But after it was cleaned out, a new rhythm took hold of my life... a rhythm I trust so much that I released all resistance and surrendered my will to it. I know without a doubt, the rhythm is God bringing me back to who I am...

I have a deep sense of peace and wellness today. I have my health back (which is a miracle in itself). I feel better physically than before I was diagnosed with FMS. I now see that living as an imposter robbed me more than just spiritually. It made me physically sick too. I don't know where life is taking me next, but what I do know is that each day the flow brings me closer to home...

God is always trying to re-direct us back to who we are. But fear causes resistance. You may be afraid that you will have to give up the things you are overly attached to (things you've used to falsely identity yourself). You may fear having to give up control. And you're right, you'll have to! What is God's role in your life if you're not willing to listen and take direction? Unless you surrender and step deeper into faith, you will continue to walk a path that isn't even yours...

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Running from ourselves

I love getting comments on my blog. I would encourage anyone who has something they'd like to share, to join in. Yesterday the subject of "facing our darkness" came up. This topic speaks to my heart. I made a decision years back that I would face my demons and heal my life...

Prior to facing things, I was trapped. Each time I made the decision to avoid something that made me uncomfortable, it created a prison that got smaller and darker as time went on. Eventually the walls became so small that it suffocated my spirit. I felt hopeless and dead inside. I was trapped in a hell of my own making.

There came a day when I couldn't run anymore. Facing the darkness was the healthiest, kindest thing I've ever done for myself. And one day when the prison doors flew open...

 This too, is your ticket to peace, joy, and most of all, freedom. Give yourself the best life you can. You deserve it!!!

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New adventures

Life is about taking risks. It's about stepping out of your comfort zone and reaching for something magnificent that lies beyond it. There is a whole world out there waiting to be explored. Why settle for less? There's a big difference between surviving and living. Time to live! Open your arms to infinite possibilities...

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Being true to your heart

If you are fortunate to know what your purpose in life is, and you're brave and determined enough to pursue it, there are two things you should know. One is that there will be many milestones along the way, as well as, pitfalls. It will not be an easy journey. The second thing is that there will be times when you feel incredibly alone. And essentially you are, but there will also be wonderful people along the way who support you. You must never quit no matter how challenging things feels. Giving up on that which calls you from deep within your soul is an unfulfilled life... a spiritual death.

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A better life

Do I expect that everyone is going to jump on board and dive into doing their work just because I did? Nope! A few have, most don't. But do I feel strongly that we all have a responsibility to look more honestly at the way we are dealing with our issues and come up with healthier solutions? Yes, I do. Society promotes numbness, masking, denying, and running. Because people are afraid to see the truth, they look for other ways to feel better. Most solutions end up causing more harm than good. And not only do they hurt themselves, but we've handed our children a set of values that will create pain for them too...

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Courage

We won't grow if we're not willing to step out of our comfort zone. Everyone has great strength within themselves. It's important that we continue to reach for that strength. It's the same as when we don't use our physical muscles, our body weakens. If we don't take risks, faith in ourselves will weaken too. The more we dig for courage, the stronger and more fearless we become...

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Life lessons

For years I vacillated between feeling victimized by life (I thought I had bad luck) or feeling that everything was my fault (so I strived to be perfect).  When I thought there was a dark cloud hanging over me, I felt hopeless. When I thought everything was my fault, I was hard on myself. Both of these false beliefs caused me a lot of unnecessary pain. This is a perfect example of how bad my thinking used to be. Today I don't see my circumstances as good or bad, but merely opportunities to learn and grow.

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The right fit

This is Lily (my girlfriend's granddaughter)
wearing one of my tee shirts. So cute!!!

 

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It can be difficult to let go when we have an attachment to something.  I was reminded of that this morning when I was cleaning out my closet.  I have two pairs of shoes I love, but they're old. I should have gotten rid of them a year ago, but I've been waiting to find the right shoes to replacement them first. So far I've had been unsuccessful. Perhaps the lesson is to stop holding onto things that no longer work. And perhaps I want the new shoes to look like the old ones, but the style isn't right for me anymore.  Or maybe I already have all the shoes I need. Either way, into the donation bag they go...

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Becoming teachable

Self-help books are good tools in the sense that they inspire us to want to change and they offer us new ideas. But opening our mind is only the first stage of change. Just because you understand something intellectually doesn't mean that you've got it. You have to take these concepts and have a personal experience with them. This is difficult unless you have someone who has already done this work, helping you.

One of the most difficult things to do is to change core beliefs ("I am unworthy", "money is scarce", "it's not safe to trust others"). Unless you pull the negative thought patterns up by the roots, nothing will change.  It's takes a lot of hard work to uproot these deeply embedded beliefs. Affirmations are helpful, but not enough. You will need help! Had I not been teachable, I would not be where I'm at today. My self-will and the choices it lead me to make caused a lot of my suffering. I had to be willing to release my pride, put my ego aside, and get help. Self-reliance is why so many people are stuck. Without support and guidance, you'll fall back in the well-worn groves of self-defeating behaviors and thoughts... 

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My own miracle

 

For the last two decades I've held the same belief that I have today: the way out of pain is self-examination and change. As a result of the work I've done, I am for the most part, free of guilt, shame, and low self-esteem. I've also been able to let go of wants, attachments and most fears. I know what it took to get here. There were no shortcuts. I've watched lots of women do the same work I've done, but they gave up when they got uncomfortable. Giving up was never an option for me...

My most significant prayer even today has been "show me the way". This prayer has opened the prison doors for me. It has led me to healing after healing...

The key to freedom has been a strong desire for something better. I made a decision 20 years ago that I would heal my life. I had reached a place where continuing to live in pain and denial was no longer an option. I got sick of trying to figure out how to feel OK. I sought help like a person on fire seeks water. I faced gobs of shame, fear, self-doubt, and everything else that had a negative hold on me. I looked at every aspect of my childhood and the years after, and healed all the hurts. Not once did I ever stopped believing that I would achieve what I set out to do, even when I went through the worse thing imaginable; losing my daughter. In the midst of  grief, when I was only holding a tiny thread of hope, I still felt determined to finish what I started...not just for myself, but in memory of my daughter who did not find her way out of pain in the earthly sense, and for others who are still suffering today. None of the work I've done has been solely for me. I've had a passion burning inside me since I was young girl...a deep love and desire to help others find the path to joy and freedom...

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Waking up

 

We live in times of deep denial

and we're paying the price for it.

A way we can turn things around

is for each of us to become more mindful

about the choices we make each day

and to be more honest with ourselves about ourselves,

and have the willingness to change everything

that isn't serving us or others.

If we don't change the way we are operating

and continue to be careless, things will worsen.

People are still operating from old, rigid thought patterns.

Patterns that didn't work for our parents,
 yet we continue to practice them
and pass them to our children. 

It's time to wake up.

It's time for radical change.

We must all do our part.

And scary as it may feel,

we have to stop putting our heads in the sand
because we don't want to face our darkness.
When you're willing to dig for every truth
you've shoved away and become aligned with truth,
you are making a beautiful contribution
to the future of our world...

 

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Compassion

 

What does compassion mean?

 

- It means I listen with my heart.

 

- It means I have healed my own pain enough

that I can sit with yours without trying to fix you.

 

- It means I have empathy, and at the same time,

I know that each of us are having the perfect life experiences

that will help us grow.

 

- It means that I trust your journey because

I've learned to trust my own.

 

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The end of suffering

 

There's no doubt that we live in difficult times. There is a hunger for answers because there is so much pain in the world. A lot which is emotional (if you look into your own life, you may notice an undercurrent of anxiety/fear/worry). Unhealed hurt leads to hate, violence, suppression, judgment, fear, addiction... I believe that people are searching for something better. Just look at the amount of self-help books and tapes that are sold, and how people will travel halfway across the world to find serenity, answers, a way out of pain...

But the path to a richer life lies within us...

 

For years I devoured books, attended workshops with famous spiritual teachers, and so forth... but had I not put action into a spiritual practice, nothing would have truly changed. My issues had to be pulled up by the roots which required me to look deeply at myself. Books can be a tool to open our minds, but someone else's explanation about healing will not heal you. It has to become a personal experience.

Twenty years ago, I began my work...

The first change I had to make was to give up the lie that I felt okay. It was difficult because I was ashamed that I didn't feel okay, so I had to push through the shame. Then I had to be willing to meet the darkness. The darkness is a place inside of us where we push down everything we don't want deal with. But because the darkness holds our truth, it also holds to key to our personal freedom. Truth sets us free. Denial forces us to go against our nature. We then, are trapped!

 At an early age, we began to give up pieces of ourselves... we weren't taught to trust our feelings/our intuition. We lost sight of who we were. As a result, we've made choices for our lives based on what we thought was right and have spent an incredible amount of energy trying to make things work....trying to feel okay. But the thing is that we are meant to be aligned with our spirit. To live any other way, brings pain...

What I see in the world is a lot of people working very hard to feel okay. What I've learned from a personal experience over the past 20 years is this: the way out of emotional pain (which eventually leads to physical pain too) is through it. You have to be willing to jump in the mud and get dirty. You have meet and make peace with all parts of yourself and your personal story (all your life experiences) that you have denied. You have to change the things that don't align with your soul. You have to let go of narrow-minded thinking. And one more big thing, you can not figure this out on your own. You have to move pride and ego out of the way to become teachable. I spent much of my earlier years letting myself be guided by teachers I trusted, until I could tap into my own wisdom... to be continued

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Your beauty

 

A queen is a woman...
 

 who grows more beautiful with age...
  

who refuses to compromise her values...
 

who creates a life of passion and adventure...
 

who finds the good in everything..
 

who knows herself deeply...
 

who loves herself and others generously.

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