The Vortex

 About eleven years ago, while talking to God as I often did, words came out of my mouth that surprised me.

“God, if this is all there is to life, I’m ready to come home.”

The moment I said it, I stopped.

At that time, my life was full. I had recovery, friendships, creativity, women I sponsored, and a partner I loved deeply.

There was nothing wrong.

And yet, beneath the life I had built, I felt a longing I could not name.

Not for something different.

For something deeper.

So I opened my hands.

And surrendered.

Not knowing that everything was about to change.

What followed was not a dramatic event.

It was a slow unraveling.

The life that had once felt solid began to shift beneath my feet. Relationships changed. Certainties dissolved. Doors I expected to remain open quietly closed.

Again and again, I found myself standing in unfamiliar territory.

At first, I resisted.

I searched for answers, explanations, and certainty.

But the deeper invitation was not to understand.

It was to trust.

Looking back, I can see that I had entered what I now call the vortex.

A space between what was and what would be.

A place where old identities fall away before new ones are formed.

A place that feels like loss while something sacred is quietly being born.

I did not know it then.

I only knew that God had answered the prayer I never meant to pray.

The years that followed carried me deeper into that unknown space.

Things I once depended on no longer held the same meaning.

Roles I had identified with began to loosen their grip.

Even my understanding of God was being transformed.

There were seasons when I felt suspended between worlds—

no longer who I had been,

not yet who I was becoming.

It was uncomfortable.

Sometimes lonely.

Often confusing.

Yet beneath it all, something steady remained.

A quiet presence.

A gentle knowing that even when I could not see the path, I was not walking it alone.

Over time, I began to understand that the vortex was not a punishment.

It was an invitation.

An invitation to release what could no longer carry me.

An invitation to trust what could not yet be seen.

An invitation to come home to a deeper relationship with God, with myself, and with life itself.

The transformation was not happening around me.

It was happening within me.

And perhaps that was the answer to my prayer all along.