What if the Pain was Never the Problem

 Sometimes I sit back and wonder about the odds.

Fibromyalgia.

Chronic nerve pain in both knees.

Bladder pain.

Three different conditions. Three different chapters of my life. And despite countless doctors, tests, supplements, treatments, diets, and procedures, none of them were truly healed by anything outside of me.

I spent years chasing answers.

Thousands of dollars.

Countless appointments.

Endless hope followed by disappointment.

Fibromyalgia disappeared when I stopped worrying about it.

The knee pain never fully left, but I learned to live beside it.

And then came the bladder.

Once again, I followed every recommendation. I endured invasive treatments and restrictive diets. I did everything I was told to do.

Nothing changed.

Then something unexpected happened.

One treatment left me in excruciating pain for three days. By the fourth day, the pain was quiet. No sign of it..

Not reduced.

Gone.

For nearly a month.

I’ve often wondered what happened.

Was it the treatment?

Maybe.

But deep down, I suspect something else occurred.

The pain became so intense that I finally surrendered.

Not to the doctors.

Not to the treatments.

To life itself.

For a brief moment, I stopped fighting.

And when I stopped fighting, the pain disappeared.

Thirty days later, I watched fear slowly return. I watched my mind begin searching, monitoring, worrying, and trying to control the outcome.

And little by little, the pain returned too.

I don’t pretend to know exactly what this means.

I only know that after all these years, I am less interested in fixing my body and more interested in understanding what it has been trying to teach me.

Perhaps the greatest healing is not found in control.

Perhaps it is found in surrender.