As I continue through this process of healing—both physically and emotionally—I sometimes feel like I’m getting it all wrong.
I hear that little girl inside me crying out to God:
Please tell me what to do.
I’ll do anything you tell me.
I want to be a good little girl.
I just want to feel loved.
I just want to feel safe.
And I don’t know how to get there.
I recognize that voice.
It’s the voice of a child who learned that being good might keep her safe.
That following the rules might keep her from getting in trouble.
That pleasing others might earn her the love she so desperately wanted.
And somehow, even now, that little girl is still looking outside herself for the instructions.
Tell me what to do, God.
Give me the rules.
Tell me how to heal.
Tell me how to get this right.
But maybe God isn’t asking me to get it right.
Maybe I don’t have to earn love.
Maybe I don’t have to perform for safety.
Maybe I don’t have to become the perfect good little girl.
Maybe what I’ve been searching for all these years was never something I could earn.
Maybe I was already loved.
And perhaps the healing now is learning to let that be enough.
Growing up attending Catholic private school I definitely had a scary, punishing God. A judgmental God, an all knowing God, and my behavior dictated how smoothly or not so smoothly my life would go. I think these beliefs were solidified in my home because love was performance based, at least with my mom it was. My dad was a lot of more accepting and flexible, maybe too much, but we all loved him for it… and I thank God for giving me a parent who was able to love unconditionally… because God and my mom were very conditional in my childhood. It took a lot of work in early recovery to re-indentify my higher power and find a friend in God, not a punishing, judgmental enemy. Today I have a healthy definition of my Higher Power, who I choose to call God.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing Katie. I can relate. ❤️
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