Enjoying the solitude

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The new time change has thrown me off a bit. It seem that 4:00 a.m. is my new normal, but there's something I love about waking up to the quiet darkness. Even the birds are still sleeping. I feel a deep sense of peace. As a little girl, I often felt afraid. Abuse has a way of ripping your sense of security away from you. I was happiest though, when I was left alone. I could entertain myself all day long. I guess I still feel that way. The quiet stillness comforts me like a soft blanket.

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My childhood friend, Meg. We met at the school bus stop when I was 14. She came in my life at a time that was difficult. My parents had ripped me from my friends and the only place I had ever lived (Michigan) , to move to Florida. No one asked me how I felt about moving. I was shy and had difficulty with any kind of change. It was traumatizing for me to start over. I'm so grateful for Meg because her friendship gave me a sense of belonging that I desperately needed. We've been a part of each other's lives for over 40  years.

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"I am loved" and so are you

The gift of love

My style of drawing is changing again. I never know what's coming next. But it's fun living in the  mystery.

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I looked forward to Christmas as a child. It was one of the few times we were given gifts. In my child-like thinking, the gifts represented being loved, which was something I didn't feel often while growing up.

I brought my child-like thinking into my adulthood. I can't tell you how many times over the years that I felt let down at Christmas because I measured love that way. Sometimes I would feel like I didn't give enough to someone to show my love for them or the reverse. Either way, I would go into a little depression when the holidays were over. It took me a long time to figure out my depression came from that lonely little girl who didn't feel loved growing up.

Fifteen years ago, I made a committment to work on healing my old wounded areas. One the many miracles that happened as a result is I no longer have an attachment to gifts. I still enjoy buying gifts for others, but I don't make myself crazy trying to find the perfect one. Whether I get gifts or not, isn't important. Christmas is about celebrating with people I love.

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My creative space/dining room table. Pippi oversees my work. She thinks she's the boss.

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"I am loved"

Crappy thinking /crappy life

A brand new design. Finished it yesterday.

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I'm sure you've heard about the power of your thoughts. There's lots of books and information about it. But do you believe it's true? I sure do. Not at first, though. It's taken years of practicing it to make a believer out of me, but I know now my happiness is a direct result of my attitude. It's not easy to be positive when life hands you a challenge unless you learn to trust the experiences life brings you, has a deeper purpose. Perhaps it has something valuable to teach you. I see life as a series of lessons to help us evolve as spiritual beings. Can you embrace the thought that your life is perfect just as it is, but if you aren't happy, it may be a result of  your thinking? Give it a try. Watch the magic happen.

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I captured a special moment.

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"I release all negative thinking"

A peaceful holiday

From my greeting card line

 I'm already hearing grumbling about xmas. The usual complaints about stress, money... I used to be a grumbler too. But I've learned to change the things that don't work anymore. Don't hate me, but my shopping is done, I'm singing xmas music along with the radio, my Charlie Brown xmas tree went up yesterday and I'm not cooking.

There was a time I loved having xmas in my home. I'd cook and clean for days to get ready. I looked forward to a large family gathering. It was fun. And I was one of those shoppers who started looking for the perfect gifts in Sept. These are happy memories for me. But I've lost many of my family members, my love for cooking big meals has expired, and too much shopping is stressful. As much I miss the old traditions, there was a price to pay. So I used to grumble.

 Every year seems to brings another new change, but I've learned to roll with it. I've found ways to be kind to myself during the holidays by making good choices about what works for me. I still love getting together with my family, buying special gifts and eating lots of good food.

Are you still clinging to your old ways? Is it causing you stress? Are you dreading the holidays? Are you the perfect gift buyer? Is money tight? Be willing to change the things that don't work. Ask yourself what's really important? Family, love, peace...

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My son Jeremy, my sister Penny and me

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"Life is meant to be enjoyed"

Expect a miracle

A new design

On Thurs. nights. in my home, I facilitate a women's empowerment group. I often give the girls exercises to practice throughout their week. Last night's topic was "avoidance". We discussed areas they've avoided dealing with such as guilt, self-care and their finances. I suggested they take a few quiet minutes every day to pray for the willingness to change. I told them to "expect a miracle". I've learned exercises like this one, although very simple, are very powerful. I'm looking forward to seeing what incredible things happen for them. And I'm going to practice it too.

Do you believe in the power of prayer? How about miracles? Try it for one week. See what happens. If it doesn't work out, I'll be happy to refund your misery.

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My son Jeremy and his sweet girl, Salina

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"I face my life with honestly"

A transparent life

Had fun making this

There's an old saying "we're as sick as our secrets". I once had a lot of secrets. And they certainly kept me sick. Being raised with the belief that you "don't air your dirty laundry in public" kept me quiet from the time I was a little girl. This included not telling anyone there was abuse going on in our home. Back then, it was a secret no one dared to talk about.

I accumulated a lot more secrets after that. Some were things that I did wrong. It wasn't until I was in my early forties that I began to expose the shame I carried from keeping these secrets. In a safe place, I could finally talk about everything that I had tried to bury or deny. It set me free.

When I think of  a transparent life, I think of looking through a piece of glass. There is nothing hidden, right? Healing my shame has given me the ability to allow people to see me who I really am, including all my imperfections. There's nothing to hide about myself anymore. Having a transparent life is truly a miracle. I wish for you, a transparent life too.

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Our library has a beautiful pond along side it

Alone we can do so little; together we can do so much. Helen Keller

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                              "Shame has no power over me. I am healed"

Obsessive thinking

Love this one

Do you ever have obsessive thoughts? When the same thought plays over and over in your head and there's no quieting it? It seems to happen to me when I'm getting ready for bed. Just as I'm relaxing and drifting off to dream land, a thought pops in my mind. I try gently pushing it away, which only makes the thought more persistent. It's then followed up with a feeling of urgency that seems to have jumped into my body. Before I know it, this one thought is renting all the space in my head and my body is tense. So much for sleep, right ? The thought plays over and over and over... Fighting your thoughts only makes it worse. I've learned a little trick though. It's called "surrender". Surrender means to let go of worrying about changing the crazy thoughts and just accept that it happens. There's nothing else I need to do with it. And before I know it, it's time for morning coffee.

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Taken on one of my walks

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow.”
― Melody Beattie

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"I am peaceful"

Reach for your dreams

Dreams aren't for sissies. It takes a lot of determination. I've heard stories about famous people who once were penniless, and slept in their cars to pursue their dreams. What are your dreams? It could be finding your soul mate, starting a new career... Trust me when I tell you that whatever you give your heart to, you will be successful at. I've learned though, that you can't be attached to how long it takes and what experiences you will need to gather along the way. Just have faith and believe not only in your dreams, but in yourself.

I've had the same dream since I was a little girl. It was to carry the message of hope. I know what it's like to feel hopeless. I have been there many times throughout my life. But I've learned that perseverance will bring you back to hope, every time.

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Another day of chasing butterflies with my camera

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"I'm deserving of love, good health and prosperity"

Taking new risks

Another new design

I have to dig deep to find my inner strength and courage, at times. For a large part of my life, I avoided taking risks to play it safe. But playing it safe won't help you reach your goals. There's a voice in my head (a wounded part of me) that wants to keep me small, insecure and stuck. I've learned not to trust every thought that crosses my mind because the critical thoughts aren't true.

My parents didn't believe in using praise as a way of building a child's self esteem. Instead, they would be to quick to tell us what we did wrong. My mom confused "feeling good about oneself" as "bragging". She knew how to use her words to knock the "good" feeling out of you. I'm not sharing this because I have bad feelings about my parents. I know they did their best. But I need to be honest with myself. Many of the ways they parented me weren't good. But I'm committed to undoing the damage and living large.

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I love using the macro tool on my camera

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"I challenge myself to take new risks every day "

Embracing change

One of my first attempts at drawing with charcoal

The last two days I've had a stomach ache. I'm not surprised. When I'm going through new changes, my gut works hard to digest whatever's taking place. In this situation, I think it has something to do with my blog site. Don't get me wrong. I love doing it, but it's still something new. I go through a series of emotions when change takes place, but thank God, I can embrace it easier these days. There was a time when I wouldn't have welcomed any change, good or bad. I held tightly to familiarity, even when it was awful. How many times did I stay in a job or relationship because I feared change? 

I've learned that change is a neccessary part of life. I've also learned to trust my body's wisdom in assisting me with my emotional needs. I'm in awe of the body's natural ability to heal itself. And most of all, I've learned to be comfortable being uncomfortable. Change doesn't alway feel great, but the gift that comes from accepting it, is priceless. 

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Noah's (my friend's little boy) drawing. Possible future artist?

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Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have... 

-- Oprah Winfrey

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           " I trust that whatever life brings me is for the purpose of good"

Happiness from an inside source

A few years ago, I wouldn't have believed I could be happy again. At that time, my source of happiness was my children. It wasn't until Jody died, leaving me with a big gaping hole in my life, that I realized I had cheated myself. It's okay that our children brings us joy. That's normal and healthy. But being dependent on them for our joy is co-dependency. I was definitely co-dependent..

Things are different now. Jody's death woke me up. As a result of working on myself, my happiness today comes from a source inside me.

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Taken at a pond next to the library. Beauty is everywhere.

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A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams. John Barrymore

"I am responsible for my own happiness"

                                                                      

Moving forward

One of my goals this week has been to re-organize drawers and closets, In doing so, I find bits and pieces of my past (things like my old journals; recording years of joy, pain and sorrow). I also come across old paperwork belonging to my mom and daughter Jody, both who have passed on. It stirs up a mixture of grief and gratitude. I welcome both feelings equally because my grief allows me to heal and move forward, and gratitude brings me peace.

In order to make room for new, I have to let go of my yesterdays. There's a show on TV (that I don't watch, by the way) called "Hoarders" that features people who fill their homes with so much stuff that there's no space for them to live comfortably. For whatever reason, they don't let go of their old belongings and keep accumulating more. It's the same for us. If I hang on to the past, never making peace with it, I would be a hoarder too. Carrying around my "yesterdays" would weigh my life down, not leaving room for my happiness.

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                                                              My daughter, Jody

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"What I hold dear, shall alway remains in my heart"

Listening for guidance

One my favorite designs

I'm on my second week of blogging and love it. My initial resistance has melted away. As the days pass, my vision for the blog is becoming clearer. Since I only have so many hours in the day, and because I love offering support to women, there just isn't enough time to reach the amount of people I would truly love to help. By sharing my personal thoughts in a daily reading, may be a way to give more. But let's see what God has planned. Every day, I've asked God for a "sign" that I am doing the right thing. And sure enough, every day I've gotten one.

There was a time when the only voice I heard was my own. They say God's voice is a whisper and the louder voice is ego. One of the gift's that has already come from creating the blog is I'm listening carefully for God's direction. There's no loud voice pushing me. I am just allowing things to gently unfold. So far, everything has come easy for me which is odd because 10 days ago, I knew nothing about the blogging and only a little bit about computers. And because everything has happened so easily, it reassures me that I'm in God's flow. My old way of trying to force solutions doesn't work anymore.

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"I'm open to listening for guidance"

Letting go of old thoughts

Experimenting with charcoal

I've been working to change my old thinking for quite some time. Honestly, I have to say that it was pain that motivated me to change. Today, I'm grateful for the pain that gave me the willingess to become teachable. Up until then, I only knew what I'd been taught. Because my parents had a wounded belief system, what they taught me wasn't always healthy stuff.

I now realize that a lot of my pain was a result of my negative thoughts and old beliefs. One of those core beliefs was "I'm not good enough". Boy, did that thought take me down a dark path. I'm still working on that one, but it's improved greatly.

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Pippi getting ready for bed

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"I release old thoughts that no longer serve me"

Acceptance is the key to serenity

Experimenting with more color

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Before my feet hit the floor in the morning, I like to set an "intention" for what I'm going to practice that day. Today's intention is to listen carefully for direction. How easily I get caught up in "my own will", trying to make life happen instead of trusting and allowing it to flow naturally. But in allowing, I'm certain to have a  peaceful day. Acceptance is the key to serenity.

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"Happiness is like a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you." Nathaniel Hawthorne

  

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"For today, I will surrender my will"