A false sense of belonging

Sometimes in life we are called to do the very thing we're afraid of. One thing I fear is rejection. Being different, being true to myself, is still a stretch for me. I spent most of life trying to please others, to fit in, to be what others wanted me to be. But I lost myself in the process.

 

The last few months I have been in a situation that I would have done anything to avoid in the past. I took a strong stand for something I believe in. It has not made me popular...quite the opposite.  I could avoided a lot of judgement and rejection by playing the old game of " I will pretend not to see what I see and know what I know so you like me". I have worked too hard on myself to go blind ever again. I'm not desperate anymore to belong. I'm not willing to disconnect from myself. Too high a price to pay for a false sense of belonging.

 

 This has not been a picnic. It has been painfully uncomfortable and I've wanted to give up. But something deep in me has said to persevere...to not give into fear. And I haven't. I can see already how much I have gained from this experience...these bittersweet lessons about trusting myself...looking rejection in the face rather than cowering. I will never be the same. And for that, I am truly grateful.

 

******

 

 

She pushed beyond old limiting beliefs

and opened her mind

to new ideas.

Her fear couldn’t thrive in a space

insulated with faith.

*****

"I am free to be who I am"

She flung her arms wide open

Her days were filled with fun and adventure.

 

She let go of old restrictive thinking

 

and played fluidly like a

 

carefree child.

*****

Lunch yesterday with some wonderful women...

*****

In the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter,
for in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed. 


~Kahlil Gibran

******

 

 

 

"My heart is open"

 



She learned to just "bee"

When she stopped being so busy,

 

life didn’t feel stressful anymore.

 

Clarity emerged in the stillness.

 

She found value in doing nothing.

*****

Nature does not hurry,
yet everything is accomplished.

~ Lao Tzu ~

 

*****

"I will live more mindfully"



She lived life to the fullest

 

From the hidden chambers of her heart,

she touched both her greatest sorrow

and the deepest love.

She stopped hiding

the raw parts of herself,

allowing herself to vulnerable .

****


FYI- I am offering an introductory class regrading my upcoming workshop "The Mastery of Love",  as well as, a new support group for women called "Growing Our Wings". This introductory class will be a time for questions and sharing.

Where: Mystic See on Dearborn in Englewood
 Date: Thurs. April 18th
 Time:1-2pm
Cost: $10
Please pre-register at #473-3816.
 
It's my personal belief that in order for our lives to change and transform, we have to examine ourselves so we can begin to let go of the things that no longer work such as old beliefs, thoughts, patterns...

Hope to see you next week.

******

"It is safe to be "real' with others"

She celebrated a new way of life

She woke each morning with a skip

in her walk and a song in her heart.

Her contentment came from looking past

life’s flaws to see the blessings.

*****

When I stand before God at the end of my life,
I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left,
and could say, "I used everything you gave me." 

~Erma Bombeck

******

 

 

"I am grateful for all the lessons life has offered"

She felt loved

The pay-off for working hard

building her self esteem

was that she began to feel loved

and accepted

wherever she went.

*****
 

 

"I am loveable"
 

 

She was true to herself

  

 

 

She broke free of codependency.

 

She was more helpful to others

 

when she put

 

her own needs first.

 ****

 

 

                              Growing microgreens and african violets

 

******

 

 

"I will listen to my needs today"



She grew to love herself

She was willing to change

 

in order to become

 

all that she dreamed to be.

 

She was her own hero.

 

*****

 

 

Pippi's checking out the flowers

 

*****

 

 

She walked a mystical path

 

Even though she felt alone at times,

she came to appreciate the solitude.

Being alone was not the same

as being lonely.

With God as her companion,

she felt safe and peaceful.

 

*****

 

 

I had fun creating these.

 

*******

She saw through eyes of love

 

 

She participated in helping

 

to heal the world

 

when she let go of judgment

 

and found compassion instead.

 

*****

 

 

 The little spiritual lessons from my book "The Gift of Change" are things I've learned in recovery.
The drawings in my book are done ink and color, but I had fun doing them in charcoal for these blog posts.



She let go of suffering

 

She knew pain was a part of life,

but suffering was a choice.

Instead of focusing on her pain,

she looked for the lesson instead.

*****

 

She boldly faced her past

 

She cleaned up the wreckage

 

of her past

 

by making amends.

 

She no longer nursed old hurts.

 

She forgave everyone, including herself.

 

She was free at last.

 

******

 

Sharing my book "The Gift of Change"

 

For the next couple of weeks I'll be sharing pages from one of my gift books "The Gift of Change". I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I did creating it.

 
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 The Gift of Change (Introduction)

It’s been almost fifteen years since I first began stumbling down the path towards recovery. I use the word “stumbling” because I felt like a toddler when I first began. Everything I was about to learn was very foreign to me. It was a whole new way of life.

What led me to this new path was the anguish I felt inside myself. It brought me to my knees in prayer to ask for help in a way that I had never done before.

My spirit had been crushed as a child. I learned at a young age to suppress my natural feelings. I was raised in a time where children’s voices went unheard and punishment was used to break one’s spirit. Fear forced me into a belief system that reflected the beliefs of my wounded parents. I lost my way in the world.

As I grew into adulthood, I became a people-pleaser. I never learned to trust my own instincts and my self-esteem was low. I didn’t feel like I fit in. There was a emptiness in me that I felt often.

Finding ways to be happy became harder. The choices I made for myself were not always healthy ones. A dark hole in me ached with longing for something to fill the emptiness with. Eventually, I tried numbing myself in various harmful ways only making things worse. It took me several years to reach a bottom and surrender my will. Today my life is blessed because I did.

The best thing that could have ever happened to me was to sink as low as I could go. The pain motivated me to reach out for help and become teachable. I won’t tell you that climbing back up from the trenches I fell into was easy. I had a lot to learn.

There were many lessons along the way. But over time, a transformation began to take place.

This morning I decided to challenge my body and jog instead of my usual walk. It was freeing to know that I could still run even though I hadn’t run in years. The process of healing is similar. You have to be willing to challenge your spiritual muscles, in order to grow. You have to do the things you think you can’t, such as facing your fears, healing the past, and finding a healthy belief system.

It’s my desire to share with you the things that have changed in me, in hopes that it inspires you to keep reaching for your best life. I believe that God dreams bigger dreams for us than we do for ourselves. May you surrender to receiving the riches you deserve.

She held on to the promise of hope

as she faced difficult challenges.

When she reached the other side,

she had outgrown her cocoon

to become a beautiful butterfly.

 

*****

will continue on tomorrow's post

Living well

 

A hero is someone who…

gets back up when they fall in the trenches

 looks fear in the face and growls back

isn’t afraid to show their vulnerability

doesn’t place expectations on others

is always humble

cares about the world

******

 

We don't stop playing because we grow old;

we grow old because we stop playing.

George Bernard Shaw

*****

 

"We all have a hero in us"

Stepping out of denial

I've used denial many times. It has a been a defense, a survival device, a coping behavior, and at times, almost my undoing. It has been both a friend and an enemy.

When I was child, I used denial to protect myself... I protected myself from seeing things too painful to see and feelings too overwhelming to feel...

The negative aspect of using denial was that I lost touch with myself and my feelings. I became able to participate in harmful situations without even knowing I was hurting. I was able to tolerate a great deal of pain and abuse without the foggiest idea it was abnormal.

I learned to participate in my own abuse.

Denial protected me from pain, but also rendered me blind to my feelings, my needs, and myself. It was like a thick blanket that smothered me.

Melody Beattie- Language of Letting Go

 

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“I felt I was drawing close to that age, that place in life, where you realize one day what you'd told yourself was a Zen detachment turns out to be naked fear. You'd had one serious love relationship in your life and it had ended in tragedy, and the tragedy had broken something inside you. But instead of trying to repair the broken place, or at least really stop and look at it, you skated and joked. You had friends, you were a decent citizen. You hurt no one. And your life was somehow just about half of what it could be.” 
 
― Roland Merullo

*****

"I no longer need to hide from truth"