Fear is a Bully

 Having been raised in fear, it is hard not to look back now and see that fear was a form of bullying.

It was how we were controlled.

How we were taught to behave the way our parents wanted us to.

Not because we were bad kids.

We weren’t.

We were good kids trying to navigate a world that taught us to be afraid.

Fear was used as a way to teach us.

And I learned the lesson well.

As I moved into adulthood, OI became my own bully.

I criticized myself.

I punished myself.

I expected more from myself than I would ever expect from someone else.

I carried the voice of fear inside me.

It wasn’t until I came into recovery that I began learning something completely different.

Kindness.

Gentleness.

Compassion.

I began to understand that I didn’t have to hurt myself into becoming a better person.

But even then, fear was never far away.

It simply changed its form.

For me, fear became control.

If I could control enough things, perhaps I could prevent something bad from happening.

If I could make the right choices, keep everyone happy, and stay one step ahead, maybe I could finally feel safe.

But control was just another way fear kept me in its grip.

Today, I have surrendered omuch of that.

I don’t want fear deciding how I live.

And yet, I can still feel fear trying to bully me back into my old ways.

But I am learning to recognize the voice.

Fear may still knock on my door.

It may still try to intimidate me.

But I don’t have to let it run my life.

I have surrendered the need to control.

And I am not going back.

Fear is a bully.

And bullies lose their power when we stop believing they are in charge.