Putting yourself first

Love my simple creative life.

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I was trained as a child to put other's needs first. No one encouraged me to find my individuality. As a result, I had poor boundaries. Through perseverance, it's improved, but can still be challenging with people I love. My first inclination is to be sympathetic to their needs before checking in with my own needs. I'd like to think my only motive is to be helpful, but truthfully, it's more about having a bad habit of people-pleasing. I was misguided as a child, taught to ignore my feelings. Self-care was considered being selfish. But that's not true. I'm committed to breaking this old icky habit.

Are you tired of being a people-pleaser? It takes a lot of work, but any habit can be broken.

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Taken in Mexico where I went on my first cruise (and only one).

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"When we truly care for ourselves, it becomes possible to care far more profoundly about other people. The more alert and sensitive we are to our own needs, the more loving and generous we can be toward others." -Eda LeShan

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"I trust each person's process as being right for them. I won't interfer."

Less is more

See the dragonflies in the background?

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I don't know about your clothes closet, but mine's a mess. Too many things (of course, I never feel like I have anything to wear). It's difficult to make choices when everything's squeezed so tightly together. So I'm cleaning out my closet, letting go of jeans that won't go over my butt anymore and outdated shirts that are so tight, they make me look like I'm all boobs.

After a good cleaning, I feel great. More space to breathe. Clutter overwhelms me. There's a saying "less is more". Took me awhile to get what that meant. Abundance isn't about having more, it's about being content with less. That's my goal today. How do you define abundance?

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Taken last year. I've yet to get my first dragonfly snapshot for this year. The little guys must be slugging down energy drinks or I'm getting slower.

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We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned,
so as to have the life that is waiting for us...
  - Joseph Campbell

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"I have enough. I am enough"

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Making memories

During the holidays, we celebrate with an abundance of good food. There is a saying "you are what you eat. Be sure to include eating something cute.

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 Yesterday, I had a Kodak moment. A heart warming experience I'll treasure forever.

My son ran his first marathon race (13 miles). I'll never forget the look on his face or the way my heart felt, as he crossed the finish line. 

 Life is fragile and impermanent. But we never lose precious memories. Having a tough day? Sit in your favorite chair with a warm beverage and fuzzy blanket. Think about one of your Kodak moments, letting it warm your heart. You may find yourself smiling.

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Go Jeremy

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We do not remember days; we remember moments. ~Cesare Pavese

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"Today. like every day, is a day for celebration"

Girlfriends rock...

I hope my art brings a smile to your heart.

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I've come to appreciate my women friends more than I ever have. But I had to do a lot of work on myself in this area. As a child, I never trusted or felt safe with my mom so I grew up with a distorted belief about women. Though I always had friends, I doubt my heart was open with them.

 Also over the years, I've had relationships with girlfriends and ended up getting hurt. That just re-enforced my old thinking "women can't be trusted". The first thing I had to look at was myself. Did I trust myself to make good choices or was I ignoring the red flags, just like I once did with men? Learning to trust myself and my choices, then opening my heart to taking risks, changed my belief system. I'm grateful for the women in my life, regardless of how big or small a part they play. 

Girlfriends rock...

Do you trust women?  If not, start by taking a new risk, opening your heart with someone safe. We've all been hurt at one time or another, but don't let it discourage you. God bless...

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 Even the birds seek companionship. Taken at Venice beach.

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"I can trust myself to make good decisions"

Practicing acceptance

Almost every day I've had a new technical challenge on the blog site. At first, things flowed easily, but not lately. Time for me to surrender. Surrendering doesn't mean I'll stop writing posts. It just means I am willing to accept my circumstances. Because things aren't going the way I'd like them to, acceptance may seem like I'm giving up, but I'm not. Letting go feels delightfully peaceful. Holding tightly, drains me emotionally, physically and spiritually.

Are you feeling peaceful? Or is there something you're trying to make happen and it's not working out, yet you keep trying? The secret to recapturing your peace is to surrender and let it go. Things have a way of working out if we just get out of the way.

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 Taken on a vacation trip back to where I grew up, Michigan. I knew the trip was going to be my last one there, but I'll never close the door on the sweeter memories of my childhood.

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Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.   

     Melody Beattie

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"I will practice acceptance in all my circumstances today"

Growing pains

Made with acrylics, charcoal, textured paper and stamping.

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Though my artwork yesterday was about "finding the calm place within ourselves", I've lost sight of mine for the last week. It happens to all of us, at times. I know however, the inner disturbance is a result of growing pains. And it's not comfortable. But it is a necessary part of evolving in our spiritual life. I've learned to trust what life brings me is for the purpose of my good. 

 Are you transitioning? Are you having growing pains? Does your life feel heavy? Is it hard to do things you usually enjoy? This is all normal. It isn't easy to embrace our emotional disturbances. Do your best. Take good care of yourself.

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Another day of chasing butterflies.

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To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funnybone. Reba McEntire

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"Change always has something good to teach me"

Gratitude

Thanksgiving's a time for gratitude and celebration with our friends/family But don't wait for a holiday to be grateful or celebrate life. Years ago, I started making a daily gratitude list. I'd write ten things I was grateful for. At first it was hard. I wasn't used to being grateful every day, so I wrote simple things like my coffee, the sunshine, and so on. After awhile, gratitude became a natural part of my life. It changed my bad habit of being a negative thinker. As simple as it sounds, it worked.  Because my heart is consistently grateful, I can accept what life brings me, with more ease.

Are you in the habit of being grateful or do you tend to nurse negative thoughts? Try a gratitude list. Before long, you'll have developed a grateful heart too.

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Pippi and Jack trying out their new chair.

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Happy Holidays

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"I'm grateful for what my life experiences have to teach me"

Healing shame

Lately, the quiet voice (my intuitive one) has disappeared. The loud voice (ego/fear) has been running the show. For the moment, there's no peace within. But all things pass. The quiet voice will soon be whispering to me again. 

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The difference between guilt and shame is "guilt says I made a mistake, shame says I'm a bad person for making a mistake". I've been thinking of my dad recently. In many ways, he was a good man, but he had some serious flaws too. He never let me forget anything I did wrong. In other words, he shamed me. He would say "remember when you screwed up" as if it were yesterday, not 10 years in the past. Shame runs deep for me. It's been one of my biggest hurtles to overcome. Dad

 never took responsibility for his mistakes. He instead, projected his shame on me. And I bought it. Hook, line, and sinker.

Is my shame completely healed? No. Making a mistake the other day, brought the shame up again. Am I willing to accept that I need to be punished for my mistakes? No way. I refuse to allow that old belief to hurt me anymore. As a human being, I'm going to make mistakes.

 Are you hiding feelings of shame because you did something incorrectly? If so, don't be hard on yourself. Welcome to my world.

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One of my first attempts at taking a butterfly picture. Loved it so much, I became a butterfly chaser.

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“Success means we go to sleep at night knowing that our talents and ablities were used in a way that served others.”    Marianne Williamson

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"I refuse to allow shame to cripple me"

 

Easy does it

 My art reflects my inner thoughts and feelings. Yesterday was a challenging day. It's no surprise the drawing I was working on, was about the heart.

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Interesting that my blog post yesterday was about letting go, then hours later, I find out that I had accidently erased all the family pictures on my blog (a month's worth). It sent me into a tailspin. So much for letting go, right? Finding the location of each picture and resubmitting them, took me all day. Having Fibromyalgia, stress reeks havoc on my muscles, causing painful inflamation. Needless to say, I got stressed, spending too much time and energy fixing the photo problem. I payed a dear price. Looking back now, what I really needed was a good cry. But my busyness didn't allow for it. Today I'm going to do nothing. No busyness. I still feel weepy this morning. I don't know why. We'll see what shows up.

Have you been postponing feelings? Perhaps using busyness as an avoidance? Be kind to yourself  by making time for your emotional needs. You're the most important person you'll ever know.

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A picture of my sister in her therapeutic garden.

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"My tears help to cleanse my soul"

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Letting go of "stuff"

 I like to use a variety of materials in my artwork; acrylics, watercolors, textured paper, charcoal, stamping and scraps of anything cute, including napkins and tissue paper. I never know what I'm going to end up with, but that's the most exciting part of creating something.

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There were two big events in my life that taught me about letting go. The first time was when hurricane Charlie was about to hit, a few years back. I watched myself scrambling to pack up everything I treasured (pictures, collectibles, etc), desperate to protect my "stuff". I was afraid of losing my personal things. The hurricane came close, but there was minimal damage. However, it was a wake-up call for me. I clearly saw my attachment to "stuff". The biggest lesson in letting go was when my daughter Jody, died. It was heart-wrenching, yet it shifted my priorities. I no longer valued "stuff".  A couple months after that, I put my pretty house on the market, gave away most of my "things" and for the first time in many years, I became a renter. What I needed was a place to heal, not things to worry over. In letting go, it freed me from the burden of my attachments. I know today, that even if I lost the things I can't replace, I'd be okay. What I hold dear to me, is tucked safely in my heart. Everything else is just "stuff'".

Are you holding on somewhere too tightly? Is it causing you pain? The things you are strongly attached to and are afraid of losing, can end up becoming the source of your pain.

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My little haven/office/meditation room. This was about the only furniture I brought with me when I moved. After a year of renting, we bought the place and made it our home. But wherever I go next, will also be home. I've learned nothing in life is permanent, and it's okay to let go.

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"I trust whatever the future holds for me"

Being grateful for our challenges

I sat on the porch as a little girl, singing my heart away.

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I grew up in a home that reeked of abuse, neglect, lies, manipulation and secrets. No one knew. We had all the outside trimmings of a perfect family. A pretty house, a mom who stayed home, cleaning and cooking, and a sucessful, hard-working dad. It's taken me years to unravel the mysteries of my childhood. It's complex and confusing. But what do I know for sure? I know my challenges shaped my life and helped me to become who I am today. My childhood gave me the gift of empathy along with a lifetime committment and passion to help others.

Through difficult times, we gather gifts. Is there something challenging you today? Avoid victim thinking. Dig deep for your faith. Know you're building your spiritual muscles. And most of all, remember to be gentle with yourself.

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Had you seen the pond where I took this at, it would have looked like anything, but beautiful. Sometimes we have to look deeper so as not to miss the gift.

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"Every experience has something valuable to teach me"

Fear makes me feel crazy

Sometimes when I'm creating, I find myself humming a song. "Oh my darling" was a song by grandfather sang to me as a little girl. I can still hear the little song and the sound of his voice.

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I jumped out of bed this morning, excited to start writing my post for the day. However, when I opened to my blog site, it didn't work. I'm not well versed about computers, so fear shot through me like an arrow. No matter what I tried, I couldn't fix it. I felt my adrenaline rising and my head got foggy. It was time to step away. I've learned when I become afraid, my thinking gets cloudy and distorted and I can't make good decisions. It was best I let it go, calming myself first instead of  hitting buttons on the computer like a crazy woman. I've tried that before, ending up in a worse situation. So I did, and here I am writing my post. How did I fix it? Something to do with cookie browser, whatever that is. For the moment, fear did not get the best of me. I won this round.

Have you ever noticed how fear distorts your thinking? Do you work yourself into a frenzy when you're afraid? Practice stepping away, breathe deeply, say a little prayer, and wait for it to pass.

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Making a heart connection with a mushroom.

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 The two hardest things to handle in life are failure and success. Anonymous

"My faith is always more powerful than fear"

Being vulnerable

Pink is my favorite color. I usually put a splash of it somewhere.

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Just as I was getting ready to drift off to sleep last night, a thought popped in my mind. The thought was "I should work harder on lowering my cholesterol". I was reading a book earlier that mentioned heart disease. Boy, did my mind run with that. It kicked up fear. It's true that heart disease runs in the family genes and my own cholesterol tends to be a little high, but there was nothing to be gained thinking about this before sleep. Instead of letting go of my day, I tried quieting the fear by vowing to do more exercise, change my diet, blaa blaa blaa...  This only gave the fear more fuel. Needless to say, I had a restless night. Had the same thought popped up in the daytime, I would handled it better, but nighttime is when I'm most vulnerable to letting fear in. 

There was a time it would have felt shameful to share different aspects of my life with anyone. let alone post it on a blog site. Vulnerability used to be a dirty word. I thought if you really knew me,  I would be judged and possibly abandoned. I wore a mask, letting you only see the parts of myself I thought you would approve of. What a lot of work that was. And it didn't make people like me more, it probably pushed them away because I was being kind of fake.

Do you wear a social mask? If so, are you willing to practice being more vulnerable today? If you do, I'm certain you will attract the intimacy you desire to have. 

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My brother Joey, mom and myself. Joey was a gifted scuba diver, very well-known in the community for his talent. Sadly though, he drowned in a scuba accident 12 years ago. It broke our hearts, especially mom's. He was her baby. I don't believe she ever recovered from it. She joined him nine years later.  

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"I love and accept who I am"

Owning your feelings

Can you find the upside down heart in the background? 

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It's not so hard anymore to let myself be angry, but it once was. I was raised to be a good little girl. Yikes. Did that ever set me up for future problems. I spent a lifetime denying my anger, shoving it way down in my gut. And by the way, anger doesn't magically disappear when you shove it down, it just accumulates. I was in such denial that I had unresolved anger until the day I found it. Who would have thought finding my anger would turn out to be such a beautiful gift. Releasing it felt empowering. I reclaimed my right as a human to be angry. It's a natural emotion, but in denying myself the right to it, I had given my power away to become a door mat in my attempt to be a nice girl. Not only was I a door mat for others to walk on, but I added shame to my list because nice girls don't screw up. And don't you know, I screwed up a whole bunch. So then I carried shame along with buried anger. No wonder my life felt so heavy. Not anymore though. No shame, no unresolved anger and no more being a door mat. 

Do you tend to stuff your feelings? Are you carrying around old baggage? Give yourself a nice Christmas gift this year by being your authentic self, anger and all. 

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Capturing a special moment

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What a wonderful life I've had! I only wish I'd realized it sooner. ~Colette

"I am free to express my feelings"

Being true to yourself

The painting above, was the first time I put my handwriting (with a white pen) on an art piece. I'm not crazy about my penmanship, but I'm working to embrace it. It probably goes well with my funky whimsical taste in art anyways. It was clear to me from the beginning that I wouldn't be the kind of artist who spent a lot of time with detail. I'm not concerned that the body limbs are proportioned or if the girls on my drawings even have hands. I've learned to just have fun and let things flow.

Last year I had one of my poems published by Blue Mountain Arts card company. A kind woman who worked for Blue Mountain, mentored me in an attempt to improve my style of drawing. But it didn't work. At first, I turned myself into a pretzel trying to draw the perfect body features. Her boss said that my little girl drawings needed to have hands on them.  Art for me then, became work. I was stressed, not having much fun. I was trying to do something that wasn't right for me. I wanted her approval and was excited about having my illustrations on Blue Mountain cards, but that was my ego. It was leading me down a path that wasn't right with my heart. I've often fallen in the ego trap. It can be puzzling sometimes, figuring out what's coming from my heart as opposed to my mind/ego. Needless to say, I didn't get my drawings accepted by Blue Mountain, but I learned a lot of valuable lessons from the experience. I won't tell you that I haven't fallen in the ego trap since then. But when I do, I'm able to laugh at myself more easily. I can't take myself too seriously because I make a lot of mistakes. It's a good thing I stopped trying to be perfect so I can just be ME.

 Are you free to be you? Does your ego influence your decision making? Do you listen to your heart?

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Another one of my funky creations using a Hickety Pickety pattern.

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"I am perfect just as I am"

Enjoying the solitude

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The new time change has thrown me off a bit. It seem that 4:00 a.m. is my new normal, but there's something I love about waking up to the quiet darkness. Even the birds are still sleeping. I feel a deep sense of peace. As a little girl, I often felt afraid. Abuse has a way of ripping your sense of security away from you. I was happiest though, when I was left alone. I could entertain myself all day long. I guess I still feel that way. The quiet stillness comforts me like a soft blanket.

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My childhood friend, Meg. We met at the school bus stop when I was 14. She came in my life at a time that was difficult. My parents had ripped me from my friends and the only place I had ever lived (Michigan) , to move to Florida. No one asked me how I felt about moving. I was shy and had difficulty with any kind of change. It was traumatizing for me to start over. I'm so grateful for Meg because her friendship gave me a sense of belonging that I desperately needed. We've been a part of each other's lives for over 40  years.

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"I am loved" and so are you