The first step

A lot of people have shame. It's the reason we wear social masks. It's the culprit behind our constant thirst for approval and validation. Shame is the reason we give up too easy or try too hard. We react to shame by making ourselves too important or being a doormat. We shame others or we tiptoe around people's feelings instead of directly communicating with them.

 

The way out of shame is to heal it. The way we begin our healing process is to first acknowledge we have shame...admitting it to ourselves and someone we trust. That in itself, is a huge hurtle because admitting shame will feel shameful. But we have to push through it. It's the first step. One that takes courage. When we share our shame, we may feel a mixture of things...relief, fear, embarrassment...That's normal.
 

We can prolong looking at it. We can deny we have it. We can run. But understand that it bleeds into everything we do, how we feel about ourselves, and our relationships with others.
 

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Waking up

 

We're either asleep or mindful and awake.
Depending on what we choose,
we move towards freedom
or we live in a state of confusion.
We may unconsciously choose confusion
because mindfulness shines the light 
on all the things we're afraid to look at. 

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"I believe in infinite possibilities"

The wound story

 

We all have underlining fears and insecurities stemming from our past.
No one totally dodges that bullet. I was deeply entrenched, as a child, 
in feelings of hopelessness, fear, and loneliness. These feeling can still
get triggered today.

It's been extremely helpful to know my "wound story" so that if it does
get triggered, I'll be able to recognize what is happening. If I forget to
pause and think, I'm apt to overreact to the given situation. 

 

*****

Strength and courage

 

The healthier we become, the more we'll notice the things that don't feel right

anymore. We aren't so easily seduced into playing it safe by denying our feelings. It
gets challenging at this point because now we are being called upon to take an action to correct what doesn't feel right. This is requires a pure act of bravery. And when we do speak up, we have to do it with the understanding that we may not get the popularity vote for it...BUT we have to do it anyways. Otherwise we have abandoned ourselves
once again, giving our power to fear.

 

*****

 

Running away

Many of us developed a habit of running away from our fears, insecurities, hurts, disappointments, unhealed wounds, feelings of guilt and shame. The problem with running is the harder we run, the more situations show up in our lives that mirror what we're running from. As much as we try to avoid looking at our stuff, there is no real place to hide. We only exhaust ourselves running in circles...

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Building a new foundation

 

The whole ego structure is based on a false sense of security. Because at our core there is a frightened child, we seek safety in ways that are harmful. We unknowingly have dedicated our lives to fear and illusion. We may think we are escaping fear, but in fact we have structured our lives around it.

 

Fear plays out in many ways; people-pleasing, an insatiable craving for validation, molding ourselves into someone were not, trying to perfect because making mistakes brings up our unhealed shame...

 

We have learned to run when things makes us uncomfortable. We find ways to stay busy or numb ourselves out. We hold unto anger and blame in an attempt to deflect our unworthiness. We choose chaos and confusion rather than truth.

When we face our demons, we won't fall-apart. Instead we experience a sense of relief. It's a lot more work to manage fear than to face it.The ego structure will begin to dis-assemble because it has nothing to strengthen itself on. We will feel empowered. Without ego misleading us, we have the opportunity to build a new foundation resting on faith, truth, love, and connection...

*******

 

 

Looking for comfort

What happens when we're too attached to comfort? We develop a self-defeating pattern of avoiding things we don't like. We become addicted to feeling good. We build what we think is a safe cocoon called "denial". In order to stay in denial, we will habitually reject the parts of our lives we don't want to face. And the harder we seek comfort from others, material things, achievements...the more it backfires on us. It forces us to live in a state of desperation. We adjust to living desperately and accept it as our "normal".

*****

Unconditional love

If we disown feelings that make us uncomfortable, 
such as the feeling of selfishness, 
we're caught between our humanity and our judgment. 

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Having compassion

We can see there is pain and struggle in the world.

There are times when we are in pain and struggle.

When this happens, we have a choice as to how we deal with it.

We can shut-down, which leads to feelings of loneliness and isolation.

We can attempt to escape it by focusing on fixing other people's pain.

Or we can choose to be fully alive in the experience knowing that
this is part of life and that we are not alone.

*****

Letting go of the safety net

 

Our lives are always under construction,

but sometimes it may feel like a demolition crew...

has entered your safe little sanctuary...

and torn down your foundation...

without your permission.

Life is like that sometimes.

It can shake you to your core.

It can cause fear and confusion.

But trust the wisdom of these experiences.

Remember to be kind and gentle with yourself.

Be patient with the process of rebuilding.

 

*****

 

A wake-up call

Some of my best character building lessons have required me

to fall on my head (metaphorically speaking).

I've been humbled in ways that still cause me to grimace.

At times, I can be prideful, stubborn, and ignorant (unaware or in denial).

I say this kindness and compassion.

I think it's true for most people.

We get stuck in self-defeating patterns until life gives us

the perfect lesson to wake us up.

*****

Staying awake

It's not an easy task to be awake. Awake means we are fully present to our experiences rather than looking for the exit door when things get uncomfortable. The exit door can be denial, busyness, or other things. In my case, it would probably be food. Especially when the feeling of anxiousness shows up. My first impulse is to numb the feeling rather than accepting it.

When we escape from the feeling, we've fallen back asleep. We may think we have cleverly found freedom but in fact, we have put ourselves in a cage.  Though it may seem more comfortable to be asleep, it comes with a high price tag. Always seeking to escape our feelings rather than being with them develops into bad habits, compulsive behaviors, and addiction.

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Healing shame

Trying to contain our shame story rather than heal it only keeps us stuck in it. What is the shame story? That we have to be perfect. That we can't be wrong or make mistakes. That we're not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough...

So we secretly work hard to hide our flaws because we're afraid to be who we are. 

What causes shame? Growing up with negative messages that made us feel inadequate. Unresolved abuse issues that not only shredded our spirit, but left an imprint of feeling defective. Emotional abandonment which is another form of abuse. There are many factors that cause shame. All which can be debilitating! 

There is escape from shame except to face and heal it. The price of denial is suffering.

How do you heal it? We tenderly expose the shame by sharing it with someone safe. This life changing exercise begins to magically open the door not only to living more open-heartedly, but also gifting us with a beautiful sense of freedom we've never had before.

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Freedom from the past

When you let go of all the illusions...

 you've been clinging to for safety, 

all the sorrow you've carried for so long,

will have the freedom to express itself.

*****

"All your past is gone except for the beauty of it"

- A Course in Miracles

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Leaning into life

Imagine how much easier life would be if we didn't judge or label everything.
Whether you're aware of it or not, your mind is busy determining what's
right or wrong, what's good or bad. .

Can you trust that everything is just as it's suppose to be? Remember that our
minds are very limited so when things don't look as we think they should,
we meet them with fear and resistance. You will find more peace when you can
lean into the experience, accepting what is, trusting the wisdom of life.

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